Discussing Divorce With Children

by Irene M. Swerdlow-Freed, Psy.D.

When parents decide to divorce, they face the dilemma of what and when to tell their children about this life-changing event. And, regardless of the reasons for divorce, telling children is often a very difficult and highly emotional task.

There is no perfect way to tell a child about divorce but having an honest conversation is extremely important. Many parents understandably wish to avoid this discussion, but avoidance is not a practical option. Children quickly sense that something is wrong when a divorce is pending, and they need parental love and reassurance within a reasonable period.

How to initiate a talk with your child will depend on several factors, including the child's age, the immediate circumstance (e.g., Will a separation precede the divorce and immediately change the household?), and the level of cooperation between the parents.

There is no easy way to tell a child about a divorce, but parents can follow some important guidelines in an effort to make this talk less difficult for their child. First, it is important that both parents present a united front in discussing the divorce and agree on what details will be disclosed to their child. For example, it is reasonable to tell a child that one or both parents are unhappy living together or that they are having problems they cannot fix. It is unnecessary, in contrast, to tell a child that one parent had an affair or to disclose other intimate details of the parent's marital problems.

Second, it is important to control your emotions so you can focus on the child's feelings, and respond with empathy, love and reassurance. Third, both parents need to avoid arguing or blaming their spouse for the divorce in front of their children. And finally, children can be reassured by learning how the divorce will affect their lives and, in particular, what their future contact will be with each parent.

What else is important to tell a child?

* Reassure the child that both parents love him/her and that s/he will continue to see both parents often.
* Avoid sharing details of the marriage that the child does not understand or need to know (e.g., one parent was unfaithful).
* Expect that a child will need time to digest the initial discussion before s/he asks questions. Encourage a child to ask questions whenever s/he is ready but do not force a discussion if the child does not appear interested or prepared to talk.
* Tell the child about future plans, if this is known. For example, tell the child where each parent will live and when the child will live with each parent; where the child will go to school (if school age), and when one (or both) parent(s) will move out of the house.

While divorce is difficult for the adults involved, it can create inordinate worry and anxiety for their children. Parental love and reassurance are essential to help children minimize or avoid the negative impact of this major change in their lives, and talking about an impending divorce is a critical step in this direction.

Reference: http://drswerdlow-freed.com/therapyarticle18.html