Helping Children cope With Advice - II

by Irene M. Swerdlow-Freed, Psy.D.

The impact of divorce on children can be profound and is likely to affect all aspects of their lives. Ultimately, one parent leaves the family's home and, in most circumstances, has reduced contact with the child. The family home may be sold, requiring the child to leave friends, move from familiar surroundings and change schools. Contact with extended family members may become less frequent, or even discontinued altogether.

These are only some of the difficult changes that divorce may entail for a child. The ability of each parent to support the child and protect him/her from the adverse consequences of family disruption will greatly influence the child's short and long-term adjustment. Every parent we work with expresses concern about how divorce will affect his/her child, and seeks advice about steps to take to lessen its potentially adverse impact. There are numerous constructive actions parents can take to protect children from the conflicts inherent in divorce, and some of these are discussed below.

Concerned parents can take positive actions to protect a child from the anger, bitterness and hostility that spouses often experience during and after divorce. While it is normal that both parents will experience a variety of negative feelings during this time, children should be protected, as much as possible, from exposure to these intense emotions. It is very important that anger toward or complaints about one's spouse should never be expressed when the child is close-by. Exposure to disparaging comments about one's parent may cause a child to question the negated parent's love, commitment and care and potentially undermine their emotional attachment. Also, antagonistic comments may cause a child to feel that s/he has to pick sides in the conflict, and this may cause damage to the child's relationship with one or both parents.

If a parent needs to vent negative, angry feelings, it is advisable to do so with a trusted friend, relative or therapist: someone who can help process these emotions in a way that provides relief to the parent while simultaneously protecting the child. The best way to protect a child is to ensure that venting does not occur when the child is nearby and may overhear what the parent is saying.

Sometimes parents feel they cannot speak to their spouse, either because they become too upset or because they perceive their spouse as unapproachable. In such situations, they may want to send messages through their child. Such a tactic places the child directly in the middle of the parental conflict, and into a situation over which the child has no real control or influence. Thus, directing a child to, "Tell your father to pay the mortgage or we're going to end up living on the street," or "Tell your mother if she doesn't let me take you on vacation, the judge will throw her in jail," places the child in an untenable situation. Such directives are likely to cause a child to feel helpless, vulnerable and confused. They also change the nature of the parent-child relationship to one where the parent is using the child instead of protecting the child from unnecessary pressure and emotional harm.

If face-to-face contact is too difficult, other means of communication can be employed, such as letters or email, leaving phone messages, or using a journal to exchange crucial information. Letters and emails can be sent at the writer's convenience, and a journal can be exchanged at transition time. These procedures permit direct communication without the necessity of personal contact, and they protect the child from becoming a messenger.

During divorce and afterward, decisions about how to create and maintain a parenting time schedule need to be addressed and resolved. Under ideal circumstances, routine schedules are negotiated, in advance, between the parents, and each parent follows this calendar. As unexpected situations arise, parents may need to negotiate modifications to the routine schedule, as well. Some parents may be tempted to involve their child in these discussions, but clinical experience reveals that children often become anxious when faced with the responsibility inherent in such a decision. A child is especially likely to feel anxious, tense and worried when the parents are unable to agree on a schedule change and are asking the child to make this critical decision.

From the child's perspective, this decision creates a loyalty conflict because choosing to spend time with one parent requires the concurrent choice not to spend time with the other parent. During and after divorce, a child wants to protect the relationship with both parents, and should not be required to risk hurting one parent's feelings by acknowledging the desire to spend time with the other parent. A child who has enjoyed good relationships with both parents during the marriage will be relieved by not having to deal with this burden. Mothers and fathers best protect their child by arranging the routine schedule and any subsequent modifications without involving the child in those discussions.

Depending on age, temperament, and other factors, some children have difficulty transitioning smoothly from one household to the other. As many parents have experienced, their child may whine and protest or have a temper tantrum when it is time to separate from one parent and reunite with the other parent. In some cases, transitions may proceed smoothly but a child may sleep poorly, have less appetite or be withdrawn at one parent's residence, or may long for the absent parent. Depending on the parent's relationship, each may be tempted to blame the other for these problems, and may conclude that it is the other parent's influence upon the child that is causing this abnormal behavior. While there are circumstances where a child's contact with one parent may be unhealthy or detrimental, transition difficulties are not in and of themselves necessarily proof of such difficulty.

A problem transitioning from one parent to the other can occur, especially among infants, toddlers and children with reactive dispositions, for a variety of reasons. Some children may have difficulty making this adjustment because they sense that a high level of tension exists between the parents. Thus, when the child is with either parent alone, the child is fine. However, when the child is in the presence of both parents and tension erupts, overtly or covertly, the child becomes distressed and each parent blames the other for the child's adverse reaction.

Children are helped with transitions by being properly prepared in advance. For example, they should be told ahead of time that they would soon be going with the other parent. Allowing toddlers and young child to take a favorite toy, blanket or other prized possession also can facilitate a smooth transition. Perhaps even more important is the ability of both parents to resolve to control their emotions and make it a point not to bring up an issue that is likely to stimulate discord while their child is present.

When parents divorce they understandably worry about its adverse effect on a child. Parents can protect their child by being careful about how they express their own feelings, by not making derogatory comments about the other parent in the child's presence, and by ensuring that a child is not asked to make decisions that are within the parent's purview. Taking these steps can reduce the adverse effect divorce has and promote the child's adjustment to this painful life experience.

Reference: http://drswerdlow-freed.com/therapyarticle16.html