by Tiffany Stuart
Advisors tell parents it's wise to invest in the financial future of their children. True, a college savings fund is a great asset, but a superior contribution is to invest in a child's self-esteem bank.
As parents, we know one of our goals is to raise self-confident children. But how can it be done? To begin, equip yourself by reading articles and books on developing your child's self-esteem. The more you know, the more your kids will grow!
Here are some additional practical ways to invest in your child's emotional well-being.
Give thanks. One meaningful way my husband and I invest in our children is by using what I call "thankful journals." We spend twenty minutes a week with our nine-year-old and thirteen-year-old recording five to ten things that make us grateful. Then, Derek and I write two things about them that we appreciate, such as: "I am thankful for Justin's sensitivity to the disabled." Or, "I am thankful for Hannah's passion for dance." Through this easy exercise, our children are growing in gratitude and confidence.
Why not try it? In only a year, your child will hear 52 reasons why she's special. If she can't write yet, ask her what she's thankful for and log her responses.
Give time. Children need quality time. Younger children like to read a story and cuddle before bed. My nine-year-old feels honored when we play a board game together or eat enchiladas at her favorite restaurant. My teenage son loves it when we watch his favorite TV show or when he and his dad play basketball.
My kids need my time, and they need it consistently. In the same way that I go to work or attend a weekly business meeting, I block out regular time on my calendar for them.
Award positive words. When parents model positive self-talk, our children learn to have faith in themselves, too. I say things like, "I'm good at math; let me see what problem you're working on." Or, "Mom likes playing in the dirt and planting flowers. What do you like?"
If parents put themselves down, their children will also form a negative self-perception. In the same way that a bank gives us a quarterly dividend, which is a financial pat on the back, we can give our children a verbal pat on the back by monitoring our words.
Listen. Children need to be heard — and it's our job to listen. Sometimes this means getting on their level and looking them in the eye. Expressing concern about their scraped knee or their ripped teddy bear makes them feel important. It just takes a little extra effort.
Tell your story. When your children feel afraid, sad or frustrated, you can comfort them by sharing your life experiences through a story. Kids need reassurance that what they are going through is normal and when they know you've been there, it can help calm their fears.
Recently Hannah was nervous about entering a school talent show with a friend. To encourage her, I took the opportunity to share about an experience I had singing when I was her age. When I told her that all I could do was laugh through the entire song, she giggled and relief washed over her face. Later that day, when I overheard her sharing my story with her neighborhood friends, I knew my story had a powerful impact.
A little encouragement goes a long way. Today, a penny doesn't seem like much, but they add up. I once heard about a girl who collected these "worthless" pieces of copper to honor a loved one. The results were more than anyone expected—she donated thousands of dollars to a ministry.
In the same way, each small investment you make into your child's self-esteem bank may not seem like it's helping, but over time, you can help your child grow rich in self-worth.
Source: http://www.troubledwith.com
January 7, 2009
Abusive Adolescent Relationships
by Irene M. Swerdlow-Freed, Psy.D.
Increasingly in our practice we are seeing teenage girls in abusive relationships. These high school and early college students are usually brought to treatment by parents who are concerned about changes in their daughter's behavior including failing grades, depression and isolation from family and friends.
In assessing the situation we note that a strong obsessive commitment to a new boyfriend is often identified as the beginning of the negative changes. Abused teenagers and young adults defend their "love", noting their boyfriend's deep commitment. What they perceive as commitment, however, is often extreme jealousy and possessiveness. What they deem to be their boyfriend's involvement is often, in fact, controlling behavior. What they see as romantic…"He told me on our first date that he could never live without me"…is often manipulation and lust, not love.
It is important in our work with young women to recognize the warning signs of abusive relationships, to clarify with them what real love is, and to assist them in seeking and developing rewarding positive relationships that enrich rather than destroy life.
The early stages of abusive relationships often seem unbelievably romantic. The boyfriend is so attentive; he goes with her everywhere; he is jealous of her time with others. He gives her gifts and says he loves her very early on in the relationship. He comes to her in times of need when the rest of the world can't understand him and looks to her to take care of him. He speaks about their being together forever.
However, as the relationship continues, his "love" becomes more intimidating. He may interrogate her as to where she has been or accuse her of flirting with others. He may call her names or put her down, blaming her for his anger. As she moves further and further away from family and friends, his influence becomes more powerful. She may spend less time focusing on schoolwork and more time anxiously trying to please him. She may alter her behavior as he suggests, making sure she is home in case he calls, breaking family rules to meet him late at night or going places against her parents' wishes to "prove" she loves him.
These young women come to treatment with a strong dose of denial "He's not that bad…he is just stressed out because his boss is on him all the time…it is not his fault." They express strong feelings of insecurity, generated in part by the boyfriend's comments, that no one else will ever love them as much as he does. They often convey a sense that if the relationship fails it will have been their fault. A relationship of this kind can be very detrimental to a young woman's personal development, to her sense of self and to an understanding of her own role in interpersonal interactions.
In addition, without intervention, such a relationship can move from being emotionally and verbally abusive to becoming physically and sexually abusive as well. This is especially true in situations in which the young man has a history of physical or psychological abuse as a child, has observed abuse within his own family, or is using or abusing alcohol/drugs. If the young woman has been raised in an abusive home, she may also have expectations that abuse is an inherent part of a committed male - female relationship.
A teenager in an abusive relationship often feels she has no one to turn to. She has distanced herself from her friends and feels she cannot discuss this situation with her parents. She may be embarrassed to break up with the "best guy in the whole senior class" or feel guilty that she has not tried hard enough to make the relationship work. In addition she may be frightened to leave the relationship because her boyfriend may threaten to kill himself or hurt her if she breaks up with him.
When a teenager is brought to us because of school failure, an oppositional attitude at home, or depression, we carefully explore her personal relationships. If we find she is in an abusive relationship, we offer support and information so she can make wiser, better informed decisions. We do not expect her to give up the abusive relationship easily. Frequently parents have already tried to end the relationship to no avail. Rather we attempt, through psychotherapy to explore her images of love, her expectations of men and women in relationships, her choice in a boyfriend.
We offer information about the stages of a healthy relationship: attraction, friendship, learning about one another's values, behavior, faults and needs, and the equality and joint commitment essential to the continued development of a mature love. We address issues of abuse, the reasons for this behavior and the psychological effects of abuse. We offer observations that allow her to explore her present situation more honestly and in greater detail.
Our psychotherapy also focuses on retrieving the self-esteem and self-worth that have been too tightly tied to the relationship, leaving little room for her to independently evaluate who she is and who she wants to be. It is important as we discuss her feelings about herself to identify ways in which she succeeded in the past and can succeed in the future. We work to reunite her with friends and family and restore a sense of promise for her future.
Although we have focused on teenage girls, it is worth noting that teenage boys also succumb to abusive relationships. We have observed similar symptoms, including depression, school failure and low self-esteem, in these patients, and similar treatment is necessary. If you are concerned about a teenager whom you think is involved in an abusive relationship, feel free to contact our office for a consultation.
Source: http://drswerdlow-freed.com/therapyarticle1.html
Increasingly in our practice we are seeing teenage girls in abusive relationships. These high school and early college students are usually brought to treatment by parents who are concerned about changes in their daughter's behavior including failing grades, depression and isolation from family and friends.
In assessing the situation we note that a strong obsessive commitment to a new boyfriend is often identified as the beginning of the negative changes. Abused teenagers and young adults defend their "love", noting their boyfriend's deep commitment. What they perceive as commitment, however, is often extreme jealousy and possessiveness. What they deem to be their boyfriend's involvement is often, in fact, controlling behavior. What they see as romantic…"He told me on our first date that he could never live without me"…is often manipulation and lust, not love.
It is important in our work with young women to recognize the warning signs of abusive relationships, to clarify with them what real love is, and to assist them in seeking and developing rewarding positive relationships that enrich rather than destroy life.
The early stages of abusive relationships often seem unbelievably romantic. The boyfriend is so attentive; he goes with her everywhere; he is jealous of her time with others. He gives her gifts and says he loves her very early on in the relationship. He comes to her in times of need when the rest of the world can't understand him and looks to her to take care of him. He speaks about their being together forever.
However, as the relationship continues, his "love" becomes more intimidating. He may interrogate her as to where she has been or accuse her of flirting with others. He may call her names or put her down, blaming her for his anger. As she moves further and further away from family and friends, his influence becomes more powerful. She may spend less time focusing on schoolwork and more time anxiously trying to please him. She may alter her behavior as he suggests, making sure she is home in case he calls, breaking family rules to meet him late at night or going places against her parents' wishes to "prove" she loves him.
These young women come to treatment with a strong dose of denial "He's not that bad…he is just stressed out because his boss is on him all the time…it is not his fault." They express strong feelings of insecurity, generated in part by the boyfriend's comments, that no one else will ever love them as much as he does. They often convey a sense that if the relationship fails it will have been their fault. A relationship of this kind can be very detrimental to a young woman's personal development, to her sense of self and to an understanding of her own role in interpersonal interactions.
In addition, without intervention, such a relationship can move from being emotionally and verbally abusive to becoming physically and sexually abusive as well. This is especially true in situations in which the young man has a history of physical or psychological abuse as a child, has observed abuse within his own family, or is using or abusing alcohol/drugs. If the young woman has been raised in an abusive home, she may also have expectations that abuse is an inherent part of a committed male - female relationship.
A teenager in an abusive relationship often feels she has no one to turn to. She has distanced herself from her friends and feels she cannot discuss this situation with her parents. She may be embarrassed to break up with the "best guy in the whole senior class" or feel guilty that she has not tried hard enough to make the relationship work. In addition she may be frightened to leave the relationship because her boyfriend may threaten to kill himself or hurt her if she breaks up with him.
When a teenager is brought to us because of school failure, an oppositional attitude at home, or depression, we carefully explore her personal relationships. If we find she is in an abusive relationship, we offer support and information so she can make wiser, better informed decisions. We do not expect her to give up the abusive relationship easily. Frequently parents have already tried to end the relationship to no avail. Rather we attempt, through psychotherapy to explore her images of love, her expectations of men and women in relationships, her choice in a boyfriend.
We offer information about the stages of a healthy relationship: attraction, friendship, learning about one another's values, behavior, faults and needs, and the equality and joint commitment essential to the continued development of a mature love. We address issues of abuse, the reasons for this behavior and the psychological effects of abuse. We offer observations that allow her to explore her present situation more honestly and in greater detail.
Our psychotherapy also focuses on retrieving the self-esteem and self-worth that have been too tightly tied to the relationship, leaving little room for her to independently evaluate who she is and who she wants to be. It is important as we discuss her feelings about herself to identify ways in which she succeeded in the past and can succeed in the future. We work to reunite her with friends and family and restore a sense of promise for her future.
Although we have focused on teenage girls, it is worth noting that teenage boys also succumb to abusive relationships. We have observed similar symptoms, including depression, school failure and low self-esteem, in these patients, and similar treatment is necessary. If you are concerned about a teenager whom you think is involved in an abusive relationship, feel free to contact our office for a consultation.
Source: http://drswerdlow-freed.com/therapyarticle1.html
Therapy for Anxiety Disorders
by Irene M. Swerdlow-Freed, Psy.D.
Anxiety is a normal part of everyday life, usually caused by work demands, school pressures, family obligations, or other business or social interactions. For most people, these experiences produce only mild anxiety that does not disrupt their ability to function well and enjoy life. However, for individuals with anxiety disorders, this emotion can be intense and overwhelming, severely disrupting even the simplest tasks. It is therefore important to recognize and effectively treat anxiety disorders before they cause severe and unnecessary suffering or distress.
Several types of anxiety disorders, each with its distinct characteristics, have been studied and evaluated. These are discussed below.
Generalized Anxiety Disorder is characterized by excessive worries and fears, about health, financial well being, the future, personal relationships, et cetera. Individuals with generalized anxiety disorder have difficulty viewing upsetting events in their proper perspective. Many such persons harbor a sense of doom or foreboding, convinced some tragedy is about to harm them or a loved one. Some cannot even identify a specific reason for these feelings of intense anxiety, but are nonetheless preoccupied with them, losing their ability to concentrate on important everyday matters.
Panic Disorder is marked by discrete episodes of sudden, intense fear, called panic attacks. People who suffer from panic disorder have persistent worries about future panic attacks and often restrict their behavior and activities in order to avoid them. Because symptoms of panic attack are often similar to those of a heart attack, such as shortness of breath, pounding heart and chest pain, individuals experiencing a panic attack may believe they are dying. Even after an attack has passed, excessive fear that another one will occur interferes with their ability to enjoy a normal life.
Phobias are intense, persistent, excessive, or unreasonable fears. A phobic reaction is typically caused by exposure to specific triggers, such as spiders, snakes, flying in an airplane, or heights. Social phobia involves intense fear of exposure to social settings, public places, unfamiliar people, or scrutiny by others.
Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder is marked by persistent, uncontrollable, and intrusive thoughts, feelings or images (obsessions) and repetitive routines, habits or rituals that a person feels compelled to perform to eliminate them (compulsions). Many individuals unsuccessfully try to ignore or suppress their obsessions and find relief only by acting and thinking in highly specific, unproductive, ritualized ways.
Post-traumatic Stress Disorder can result from a person's exposure to an extreme traumatic event, such as war, natural disaster, serious injury, et cetera. Recurrent and intrusive memories of the traumatic event along with distressing dreams and other symptoms of excessive anxiety may persist for many months or years after the actual experience, and disrupt a person's ability to function normally on a day-to-day basis.
All of the anxiety disorders outlined above range from mild to severe in intensity. Without proper treatment they have negative effects on a person's life and well-being. Severe sufferers tend to lead very superficial, restricted and increasingly isolated lives. They are also at risk for depression, and are prone to abuse drugs and alcohol in an attempt to control symptoms. Often, as symptoms worsen, family relationships, work performance and friendships are negatively affected and subject to deterioration.
Fortunately, most anxiety disorders can be effectively treated with a procedure known as "talk therapy." Treatment often involves a combination of two widely used approaches called "behavior therapy" and "cognitive therapy." Behavior therapy typically involves instruction in relaxation, deep breathing techniques, visualization, or learning how to approach anxiety-provoking situations in graduated steps that are designed to counteract excessive anxiety. Cognitive therapy teaches how to recognize maladaptive thoughts that contribute to and sustain symptoms of anxiety, and how to counteract such thoughts using reasoning procedures that reduce eliminate worry. Medication may also be a useful adjunct to talk-therapy, particularly in situations where symptoms are chronic or debilitating.
Each individual with an anxiety disorder needs a specific treatment plan tailored to his/her unique situation, and no single approach will work for all patients. Treatment is most likely to be effective when the individual feels s/he has a collaborative, comfortable relationship with the therapist, and that his/her needs are fully taken into consideration.
Reference: http://drswerdlow-freed.com/therapyarticle17.html
Anxiety is a normal part of everyday life, usually caused by work demands, school pressures, family obligations, or other business or social interactions. For most people, these experiences produce only mild anxiety that does not disrupt their ability to function well and enjoy life. However, for individuals with anxiety disorders, this emotion can be intense and overwhelming, severely disrupting even the simplest tasks. It is therefore important to recognize and effectively treat anxiety disorders before they cause severe and unnecessary suffering or distress.
Several types of anxiety disorders, each with its distinct characteristics, have been studied and evaluated. These are discussed below.
Generalized Anxiety Disorder is characterized by excessive worries and fears, about health, financial well being, the future, personal relationships, et cetera. Individuals with generalized anxiety disorder have difficulty viewing upsetting events in their proper perspective. Many such persons harbor a sense of doom or foreboding, convinced some tragedy is about to harm them or a loved one. Some cannot even identify a specific reason for these feelings of intense anxiety, but are nonetheless preoccupied with them, losing their ability to concentrate on important everyday matters.
Panic Disorder is marked by discrete episodes of sudden, intense fear, called panic attacks. People who suffer from panic disorder have persistent worries about future panic attacks and often restrict their behavior and activities in order to avoid them. Because symptoms of panic attack are often similar to those of a heart attack, such as shortness of breath, pounding heart and chest pain, individuals experiencing a panic attack may believe they are dying. Even after an attack has passed, excessive fear that another one will occur interferes with their ability to enjoy a normal life.
Phobias are intense, persistent, excessive, or unreasonable fears. A phobic reaction is typically caused by exposure to specific triggers, such as spiders, snakes, flying in an airplane, or heights. Social phobia involves intense fear of exposure to social settings, public places, unfamiliar people, or scrutiny by others.
Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder is marked by persistent, uncontrollable, and intrusive thoughts, feelings or images (obsessions) and repetitive routines, habits or rituals that a person feels compelled to perform to eliminate them (compulsions). Many individuals unsuccessfully try to ignore or suppress their obsessions and find relief only by acting and thinking in highly specific, unproductive, ritualized ways.
Post-traumatic Stress Disorder can result from a person's exposure to an extreme traumatic event, such as war, natural disaster, serious injury, et cetera. Recurrent and intrusive memories of the traumatic event along with distressing dreams and other symptoms of excessive anxiety may persist for many months or years after the actual experience, and disrupt a person's ability to function normally on a day-to-day basis.
All of the anxiety disorders outlined above range from mild to severe in intensity. Without proper treatment they have negative effects on a person's life and well-being. Severe sufferers tend to lead very superficial, restricted and increasingly isolated lives. They are also at risk for depression, and are prone to abuse drugs and alcohol in an attempt to control symptoms. Often, as symptoms worsen, family relationships, work performance and friendships are negatively affected and subject to deterioration.
Fortunately, most anxiety disorders can be effectively treated with a procedure known as "talk therapy." Treatment often involves a combination of two widely used approaches called "behavior therapy" and "cognitive therapy." Behavior therapy typically involves instruction in relaxation, deep breathing techniques, visualization, or learning how to approach anxiety-provoking situations in graduated steps that are designed to counteract excessive anxiety. Cognitive therapy teaches how to recognize maladaptive thoughts that contribute to and sustain symptoms of anxiety, and how to counteract such thoughts using reasoning procedures that reduce eliminate worry. Medication may also be a useful adjunct to talk-therapy, particularly in situations where symptoms are chronic or debilitating.
Each individual with an anxiety disorder needs a specific treatment plan tailored to his/her unique situation, and no single approach will work for all patients. Treatment is most likely to be effective when the individual feels s/he has a collaborative, comfortable relationship with the therapist, and that his/her needs are fully taken into consideration.
Reference: http://drswerdlow-freed.com/therapyarticle17.html
Coping with Excessive Job Stress
by Irene M. Swerdlow-Freed, Psy.D.
Recent referrals to our practice have reflected the economic upheaval of today's society. More and more adults are seeking assistance as they cope with the stress of successfully surviving company downsizing, reorganizations and mergers. Often these adults are experiencing symptoms of depression and anxiety. All are highly stressed as they attempt to manage their own workload and additional tasks forced upon them as co-workers have been laid off. In addition, there is the psychological stress of not knowing when a layoff notice will make it into their paycheck envelope.
Many employees feel guilty if they "complain" about their workload or the stressful work environment because they at least still have a job. Although most employees are aware through media reports and articles that the unemployed are at risk for increased despair, worry, and family quarrels, they do not realize that it is normal for those who are still employed to also feel increased stress, depression and anxiety.
In the current environment, workload may be significantly and, at times, unrealistically increased. Employees are often ill informed about their employer's future plans, and a competitiveness or mistrust can develop as concerns about future layoffs increase. There may also be an overall sense of disorganization as the lines of communication and authority are disrupted. Pressure to get work completed quickly and efficiently with less manpower lead workers to increase their hours, give up lunchtime and breaks, and take work home. Some workers are able to sustain this accelerated level of activity for months before they begin to experience physical and emotional signs that all is not well. Others turn to sleeping pills, alcohol or caffeine in an attempt to manage the stress of their situation.
The first sign of difficulty is often physical. Workers experience symptoms such as colds, fatigue, stomach upset, headaches, and muscle spasms. As the work pressure increases, there are emotional and psychological changes. Workers become irritable and demanding or withdraw from others both at work and at home. Some experience difficulty concentrating and make more frequent errors. Others have trouble sleeping, difficulty controlling feelings of anger or find themselves becoming tearful at work.
Often patients seek psychotherapy only after significant distress. For example, an individual may experience a panic attack; a stress reaction characterized by racing heartbeat, difficulty breathing, dizziness, and chest pains. These workers often go to a hospital emergency room, fearing that they were having a heart attack. Others seek assistance after they experience thoughts of harming themselves or others.
Effective treatment is multifaceted. We identify the aspects of the work environment that are particularly stressful and develop a plan to address the situation directly and indirectly. We assist the individual in realistically evaluating the workload and examining the thoughts and feelings that impact work performance. Together we develop appropriate supports at work and at home. We explore the myths and fallacies that interfere with the development of an effective and viable plan of action and lay to rest thoughts such as "everyone else seems able to meet the extra demands…", "I have no control over the situation…", "I'm not able to do it because I'm too slow…", " the work must be completed at whatever the cost".
We help our patients to see that they do not need to resolve the difficult situation on their own. Often supervisors have been responsive to employees who request assistance in prioritizing the additional workload or clarifying the lines of responsibility. Families who have been scared off by the worker's temper or crying outbursts are helped to understand the problems and to facilitate support at home. In addition, when necessary, we coordinate our efforts with the patient's physician or a psychiatrist to utilize medication as an additional support in addressing the anxiety or the depression.
As with any problem, addressing the situation early can avert greater difficulties. We encourage individuals to recognize the early warning signs of excessive stress and we welcome calls about the appropriateness of psychological intervention.
Reference: http://drswerdlow-freed.com/therapyarticle15.html
Recent referrals to our practice have reflected the economic upheaval of today's society. More and more adults are seeking assistance as they cope with the stress of successfully surviving company downsizing, reorganizations and mergers. Often these adults are experiencing symptoms of depression and anxiety. All are highly stressed as they attempt to manage their own workload and additional tasks forced upon them as co-workers have been laid off. In addition, there is the psychological stress of not knowing when a layoff notice will make it into their paycheck envelope.
Many employees feel guilty if they "complain" about their workload or the stressful work environment because they at least still have a job. Although most employees are aware through media reports and articles that the unemployed are at risk for increased despair, worry, and family quarrels, they do not realize that it is normal for those who are still employed to also feel increased stress, depression and anxiety.
In the current environment, workload may be significantly and, at times, unrealistically increased. Employees are often ill informed about their employer's future plans, and a competitiveness or mistrust can develop as concerns about future layoffs increase. There may also be an overall sense of disorganization as the lines of communication and authority are disrupted. Pressure to get work completed quickly and efficiently with less manpower lead workers to increase their hours, give up lunchtime and breaks, and take work home. Some workers are able to sustain this accelerated level of activity for months before they begin to experience physical and emotional signs that all is not well. Others turn to sleeping pills, alcohol or caffeine in an attempt to manage the stress of their situation.
The first sign of difficulty is often physical. Workers experience symptoms such as colds, fatigue, stomach upset, headaches, and muscle spasms. As the work pressure increases, there are emotional and psychological changes. Workers become irritable and demanding or withdraw from others both at work and at home. Some experience difficulty concentrating and make more frequent errors. Others have trouble sleeping, difficulty controlling feelings of anger or find themselves becoming tearful at work.
Often patients seek psychotherapy only after significant distress. For example, an individual may experience a panic attack; a stress reaction characterized by racing heartbeat, difficulty breathing, dizziness, and chest pains. These workers often go to a hospital emergency room, fearing that they were having a heart attack. Others seek assistance after they experience thoughts of harming themselves or others.
Effective treatment is multifaceted. We identify the aspects of the work environment that are particularly stressful and develop a plan to address the situation directly and indirectly. We assist the individual in realistically evaluating the workload and examining the thoughts and feelings that impact work performance. Together we develop appropriate supports at work and at home. We explore the myths and fallacies that interfere with the development of an effective and viable plan of action and lay to rest thoughts such as "everyone else seems able to meet the extra demands…", "I have no control over the situation…", "I'm not able to do it because I'm too slow…", " the work must be completed at whatever the cost".
We help our patients to see that they do not need to resolve the difficult situation on their own. Often supervisors have been responsive to employees who request assistance in prioritizing the additional workload or clarifying the lines of responsibility. Families who have been scared off by the worker's temper or crying outbursts are helped to understand the problems and to facilitate support at home. In addition, when necessary, we coordinate our efforts with the patient's physician or a psychiatrist to utilize medication as an additional support in addressing the anxiety or the depression.
As with any problem, addressing the situation early can avert greater difficulties. We encourage individuals to recognize the early warning signs of excessive stress and we welcome calls about the appropriateness of psychological intervention.
Reference: http://drswerdlow-freed.com/therapyarticle15.html
Confronting and Treating Destructive Anger
by Irene M. Swerdlow-Freed, Psy.D.
Anger is a powerful human emotion experienced in varying degrees by all of us. Anger may be stimulated by internal thoughts, by negatively perceived events or by conflict within a relationship. Some people are extremely sensitive to the routine frustrations of everyday life and feel outraged by situations they perceive as undesirable or unfair. These individuals often have difficulty managing their anger and are likely to respond in a manner that hurts others and themselves.
It is important to recognize that anger is a normal emotion, which when properly channeled, acts as a constructive force. Anger can be a useful tool, a signal that a problem exists that needs attention. It can help an individual identify an aspect of life that is unrewarding or harmful and needs modification. However, individuals must learn to assess carefully the conditions that trigger anger and productively use this information to implement change.
In our practice, we treat individuals and families who have difficulty dealing with and expressing anger. Many are frightened by the intensity of their angry thoughts and feelings. Others seek our help because they recognize that they are repeating a pattern of family violence that they experienced as children. Some are at risk of losing their jobs or their spouses and are referred to us by concerned family members or employers. In working with these individuals, we often focus on three main areas: communication skills, past experiences and learned behavior and negative thoughts or self-talk.
We often encounter patients who did not learn how to communicate their desires or needs in a clear, understandable fashion and feel frustrated because their expectations frequently go unmet. Many of these individuals also lack the ability to listen to and accept the perceptions or opinions of others. Consequently, they often cannot appreciate or empathize with points of view that differ from their own. These communication problems can lead to anger and discord in interpersonal relationships.
As a first step towards addressing this situation, we often focus on teaching our patients the skills they need to express their needs and desires in a clear, assertion fashion. This might involve practicing how to ask directly for what is wanted, rather than hinting obliquely or simply expecting other people to anticipate their needs. Improving communication may also involve teaching ways of gaining the cooperation of others, rather than demanding compliance.
Frequently significant people in the individual's life have withdrawn and are no longer willing to communicate due to their fear of being mistreated. Thus, an important aspect of communication often involves identifying ways of approaching these individuals in order to repair damage to the relationship. At times family members or significant others may be directly involved in treatment to accomplish this goal.
Another important aspect of learning to control anger is recognizing the influence of past experiences and identifying habitual response patterns. Some individuals have learned to use anger or violence to respond to most negative situations. This may have been the pattern in their family of origin or one developed after years of abuse or neglect as a child. This behavior may have intensified as the anger produced some desired results and the individual did not recognize the inappropriateness of the actions or did not consider the destructive long-term impact of this response. One treatment goal in this situation involves helping individuals evaluate the cost of their anger. How has their angry response pattern impacted their health and well being? Has it cost them relationships with family or friends? Has it adversely affected their education or job?
We help our patients understand and clarify the long-term consequences of their angry behavior. However, even after they gain insight into these consequences, they may still have difficulty breaking their habitual response pattern. They will need to practice responding in new ways to negative situations before they can comfortably be called upon to act correctly in the heat of the moment.
An individual's negative thoughts or "self-talk" can also aggravate a situation and increase the likelihood of violence. If anger becomes a way of life, problems multiply as the individual responds inappropriately to any insult, real or imagined. Individuals who are constantly angry often blame others for their problems. Chronically angry people also tend to dwell constantly on their problems, which causes anger to increase, often to the point of an aggressive or violent response.
Consider a situation where the driver of one car cuts off the driver of a second car. A normal response may be "That was dangerous," or "What a jerk." A person who has a difficulty expressing or controlling anger, however, may personalize the situation and talk him or herself into a rage, with statements such as "He cut me off…he thinks I'm going to let him get away with that…no way!". Such thoughts stimulate intense anger that, if left unchecked, can lead to aggression or violence.
A negative interpretation of comments or actions by others can also generate a high level of anger in personal relationships. A spouse may say, "I have to work late this week" and may be experiencing stress due to a demanding work situation. If the other spouse responds with a cycle of negative self-talk, such as "S/he is late coming… probably seeing somebody else! After all I've done for the family! Well I'm not going to take it anymore!" the stage is set for conflict. The late arriving spouse walks in the door and is met with a barrage of anger, suspicion and hostility. The response to being verbally castigated is likely to be defensive and equally hostile. Each spouse's recriminations can easily escalate the situation into conflict that gets out of hand.
Treatment involves helping the individual to recognize thoughts that intensify feelings of anger, and to develop new thought and behavioral patterns: patterns that allow the individual to remain calm, evaluate a situation and respond to appropriately. Whether an individual is dealing with isolated incidents of anger or is chronically angry, it becomes important to learn effective coping strategies that can be used on a daily basis.
One coping strategy our patients have found helpful involves learning to identify physiological changes associated with anger reactions, such as increased heart rate and sweating, as well as behavioral changes such as pacing and clenching their fists. These changes signal that anger is escalating and that the individual needs to take immediate action to relax and calm down. The individual may learn to defuse a potentially volatile situation through exercise, relaxation techniques or a hobby.
We also have found that it is important for patients who have difficulty with anger to formulate more reasonable and realistic expectations of themselves, other people and life in general. Rather than expecting that the world is "out to get them" or that the world should be at their "beck and call," individuals need to understand that they will encounter a mixture of positive and negative situations each day. They need to assess realistically what they can and cannot control and work within this framework, rather than demanding that other people and situations fit their expectations or demands.
As people confront and learn to manage anger they begin to experience the rewards of communicating with, rather than threatening, loved ones. They develop a sense of pride gained from taking responsibility, and achieve personal satisfaction through hard work and perseverance. They begin to enjoy the benefits of a long-term positive view of life that comes from making compromises and treating others fairly. Once they understand that uncontrolled anger is a destructive force with grave, serious consequences, they recognize that the task of understanding and managing anger, though difficult, is a worthy endeavor that leads to a more satisfying and more productive life.
Reference: http://drswerdlow-freed.com/therapyarticle13.html
Anger is a powerful human emotion experienced in varying degrees by all of us. Anger may be stimulated by internal thoughts, by negatively perceived events or by conflict within a relationship. Some people are extremely sensitive to the routine frustrations of everyday life and feel outraged by situations they perceive as undesirable or unfair. These individuals often have difficulty managing their anger and are likely to respond in a manner that hurts others and themselves.
It is important to recognize that anger is a normal emotion, which when properly channeled, acts as a constructive force. Anger can be a useful tool, a signal that a problem exists that needs attention. It can help an individual identify an aspect of life that is unrewarding or harmful and needs modification. However, individuals must learn to assess carefully the conditions that trigger anger and productively use this information to implement change.
In our practice, we treat individuals and families who have difficulty dealing with and expressing anger. Many are frightened by the intensity of their angry thoughts and feelings. Others seek our help because they recognize that they are repeating a pattern of family violence that they experienced as children. Some are at risk of losing their jobs or their spouses and are referred to us by concerned family members or employers. In working with these individuals, we often focus on three main areas: communication skills, past experiences and learned behavior and negative thoughts or self-talk.
We often encounter patients who did not learn how to communicate their desires or needs in a clear, understandable fashion and feel frustrated because their expectations frequently go unmet. Many of these individuals also lack the ability to listen to and accept the perceptions or opinions of others. Consequently, they often cannot appreciate or empathize with points of view that differ from their own. These communication problems can lead to anger and discord in interpersonal relationships.
As a first step towards addressing this situation, we often focus on teaching our patients the skills they need to express their needs and desires in a clear, assertion fashion. This might involve practicing how to ask directly for what is wanted, rather than hinting obliquely or simply expecting other people to anticipate their needs. Improving communication may also involve teaching ways of gaining the cooperation of others, rather than demanding compliance.
Frequently significant people in the individual's life have withdrawn and are no longer willing to communicate due to their fear of being mistreated. Thus, an important aspect of communication often involves identifying ways of approaching these individuals in order to repair damage to the relationship. At times family members or significant others may be directly involved in treatment to accomplish this goal.
Another important aspect of learning to control anger is recognizing the influence of past experiences and identifying habitual response patterns. Some individuals have learned to use anger or violence to respond to most negative situations. This may have been the pattern in their family of origin or one developed after years of abuse or neglect as a child. This behavior may have intensified as the anger produced some desired results and the individual did not recognize the inappropriateness of the actions or did not consider the destructive long-term impact of this response. One treatment goal in this situation involves helping individuals evaluate the cost of their anger. How has their angry response pattern impacted their health and well being? Has it cost them relationships with family or friends? Has it adversely affected their education or job?
We help our patients understand and clarify the long-term consequences of their angry behavior. However, even after they gain insight into these consequences, they may still have difficulty breaking their habitual response pattern. They will need to practice responding in new ways to negative situations before they can comfortably be called upon to act correctly in the heat of the moment.
An individual's negative thoughts or "self-talk" can also aggravate a situation and increase the likelihood of violence. If anger becomes a way of life, problems multiply as the individual responds inappropriately to any insult, real or imagined. Individuals who are constantly angry often blame others for their problems. Chronically angry people also tend to dwell constantly on their problems, which causes anger to increase, often to the point of an aggressive or violent response.
Consider a situation where the driver of one car cuts off the driver of a second car. A normal response may be "That was dangerous," or "What a jerk." A person who has a difficulty expressing or controlling anger, however, may personalize the situation and talk him or herself into a rage, with statements such as "He cut me off…he thinks I'm going to let him get away with that…no way!". Such thoughts stimulate intense anger that, if left unchecked, can lead to aggression or violence.
A negative interpretation of comments or actions by others can also generate a high level of anger in personal relationships. A spouse may say, "I have to work late this week" and may be experiencing stress due to a demanding work situation. If the other spouse responds with a cycle of negative self-talk, such as "S/he is late coming… probably seeing somebody else! After all I've done for the family! Well I'm not going to take it anymore!" the stage is set for conflict. The late arriving spouse walks in the door and is met with a barrage of anger, suspicion and hostility. The response to being verbally castigated is likely to be defensive and equally hostile. Each spouse's recriminations can easily escalate the situation into conflict that gets out of hand.
Treatment involves helping the individual to recognize thoughts that intensify feelings of anger, and to develop new thought and behavioral patterns: patterns that allow the individual to remain calm, evaluate a situation and respond to appropriately. Whether an individual is dealing with isolated incidents of anger or is chronically angry, it becomes important to learn effective coping strategies that can be used on a daily basis.
One coping strategy our patients have found helpful involves learning to identify physiological changes associated with anger reactions, such as increased heart rate and sweating, as well as behavioral changes such as pacing and clenching their fists. These changes signal that anger is escalating and that the individual needs to take immediate action to relax and calm down. The individual may learn to defuse a potentially volatile situation through exercise, relaxation techniques or a hobby.
We also have found that it is important for patients who have difficulty with anger to formulate more reasonable and realistic expectations of themselves, other people and life in general. Rather than expecting that the world is "out to get them" or that the world should be at their "beck and call," individuals need to understand that they will encounter a mixture of positive and negative situations each day. They need to assess realistically what they can and cannot control and work within this framework, rather than demanding that other people and situations fit their expectations or demands.
As people confront and learn to manage anger they begin to experience the rewards of communicating with, rather than threatening, loved ones. They develop a sense of pride gained from taking responsibility, and achieve personal satisfaction through hard work and perseverance. They begin to enjoy the benefits of a long-term positive view of life that comes from making compromises and treating others fairly. Once they understand that uncontrolled anger is a destructive force with grave, serious consequences, they recognize that the task of understanding and managing anger, though difficult, is a worthy endeavor that leads to a more satisfying and more productive life.
Reference: http://drswerdlow-freed.com/therapyarticle13.html
Timely Treatment
by Irene M. Swerdlow-Freed, Psy.D.
Frequently we receive calls from individuals who say they are “at the end of their rope.” They have tried and tried without success to address a problem or a troubling circumstance on their own and feel a sense of failure at their need to consult a psychologist. Why do these individuals wait until their lives are so disrupted… until they experience such a high level of distress… before seeking help?
This reluctance to seek therapy that we observe in the public and in our patients has now been addressed on a national scale. A recently released report by the U.S. Surgeon General indicates that one out of five Americans experiences a treatable mental disorder in any given year but that most do not seek professional help. The report states, “… mental disorders are not the result of moral failings or limited will power, but are legitimate illnesses that are responsive to treatments…” and it encourages individuals to seek help when needed.
People often lack basic information about mental illness. They will visit a medical doctor when they have a stomach pain to make sure it does not turn into an ulcer but they hesitate to consult a psychologist when they are angry, confused, sad, or easily frustrated. While such symptoms were stigmatized in the past as signs of weakness to be hidden or ignored, the U.S. Surgeon General has now emphasized the need and ability to obtain prompt and effective treatment for the full range of emotional problems.
Early intervention for a psychological problem is as important as early intervention for a physical disorder. Prompt, effective treatment can achieve positive results more quickly, while minimizing any future negative impact on an individual’s life. It also precludes secondary problems that could arise if an individual’s condition is not treated promptly or appropriately. Just as with medical illnesses, delays in obtaining mental health treatment may actually worsen an individual’s ability to recover and may necessitate additional and more costly treatment in the future.
It is extremely important that people understand that the majority of individuals seeking mental health treatment are not diagnosed with a severe mental illness. In most cases, they are experiencing the intense stress of life or relationship changes that negatively affect their mood, their thoughts, and/or their actions. Effective and often brief treatment is available for these conditions.
Many of our patients are seeking to understand and cope with a difficult life transition. In some circumstances, these transitions involve expected developmental stages. For example, parents may feel unable to communicate with their adolescent child, a college student may question his or her future plans after receiving poor grades or a family must decide where an 80 year-old grandmother, who is no longer able to live independently, will reside.
Other transitions are more unexpected; a family member is diagnosed with a life threatening illness, a marriage ends in divorce, an individual is forced to retire from a job of 30 years.
Whether the transition is expected or unexpected it is often very stressful, and some people react to the change in a negative and reactive manner. Responding to each specific crisis as it erupts, however, often leaves people feeling that they just cannot cope with the situation. They may agonize about what to do but have difficulty organizing their thoughts and actions to reach a workable solution. Over time, the situation may worsen and an individual or a family may feel overwhelmed and see no options for their predicament.
Individuals who lack an understanding of psychotherapy may not seek available and effective treatment. Many people say, “Okay so I have a problem, but just talking to someone about it isn’t going to help.” They are right, “just talking” is not the answer. But psychologists do not “just talk.” While the sessions involve conversation, the discussion is focused. We have had years of training and many more years of experience. The questions we ask, the interpretations of situations we offer, the comments we make are based on our understanding of each patient’s individual needs and capabilities. We help individuals to achieve a clearer understanding of their motives, thoughts, feelings and behavior and work with them to develop the skills that will allow them to cope with or adapt to new situations. We are not “just talking.” We are assessing the situation, formulating ideas, presenting new ways of understanding one’s self and others, and we are helping people recognize previously unidentified options and opportunities.
Meeting with a psychologist gives individuals and families the opportunity to step back, explore their situation from new perspectives and develop plans to assess and respond to the existing difficulties. With our assistance, individuals can discover why certain problems or life transitions have felt unmanageable, and they can learn adaptive ways to respond to and resolve future problems more effectively.
In today’s complicated world, meeting expected and unexpected demands can be challenging. Many people are pleasantly surprised at how easy it is to talk with us about their problems. Talking helps them feel less disoriented and more in control of their lives. They become aware of options and opportunities and learn new ways of seeking support and satisfaction for themselves and for those they care about.
Reference: http://drswerdlow-freed.com/therapyarticle12.html
Frequently we receive calls from individuals who say they are “at the end of their rope.” They have tried and tried without success to address a problem or a troubling circumstance on their own and feel a sense of failure at their need to consult a psychologist. Why do these individuals wait until their lives are so disrupted… until they experience such a high level of distress… before seeking help?
This reluctance to seek therapy that we observe in the public and in our patients has now been addressed on a national scale. A recently released report by the U.S. Surgeon General indicates that one out of five Americans experiences a treatable mental disorder in any given year but that most do not seek professional help. The report states, “… mental disorders are not the result of moral failings or limited will power, but are legitimate illnesses that are responsive to treatments…” and it encourages individuals to seek help when needed.
People often lack basic information about mental illness. They will visit a medical doctor when they have a stomach pain to make sure it does not turn into an ulcer but they hesitate to consult a psychologist when they are angry, confused, sad, or easily frustrated. While such symptoms were stigmatized in the past as signs of weakness to be hidden or ignored, the U.S. Surgeon General has now emphasized the need and ability to obtain prompt and effective treatment for the full range of emotional problems.
Early intervention for a psychological problem is as important as early intervention for a physical disorder. Prompt, effective treatment can achieve positive results more quickly, while minimizing any future negative impact on an individual’s life. It also precludes secondary problems that could arise if an individual’s condition is not treated promptly or appropriately. Just as with medical illnesses, delays in obtaining mental health treatment may actually worsen an individual’s ability to recover and may necessitate additional and more costly treatment in the future.
It is extremely important that people understand that the majority of individuals seeking mental health treatment are not diagnosed with a severe mental illness. In most cases, they are experiencing the intense stress of life or relationship changes that negatively affect their mood, their thoughts, and/or their actions. Effective and often brief treatment is available for these conditions.
Many of our patients are seeking to understand and cope with a difficult life transition. In some circumstances, these transitions involve expected developmental stages. For example, parents may feel unable to communicate with their adolescent child, a college student may question his or her future plans after receiving poor grades or a family must decide where an 80 year-old grandmother, who is no longer able to live independently, will reside.
Other transitions are more unexpected; a family member is diagnosed with a life threatening illness, a marriage ends in divorce, an individual is forced to retire from a job of 30 years.
Whether the transition is expected or unexpected it is often very stressful, and some people react to the change in a negative and reactive manner. Responding to each specific crisis as it erupts, however, often leaves people feeling that they just cannot cope with the situation. They may agonize about what to do but have difficulty organizing their thoughts and actions to reach a workable solution. Over time, the situation may worsen and an individual or a family may feel overwhelmed and see no options for their predicament.
Individuals who lack an understanding of psychotherapy may not seek available and effective treatment. Many people say, “Okay so I have a problem, but just talking to someone about it isn’t going to help.” They are right, “just talking” is not the answer. But psychologists do not “just talk.” While the sessions involve conversation, the discussion is focused. We have had years of training and many more years of experience. The questions we ask, the interpretations of situations we offer, the comments we make are based on our understanding of each patient’s individual needs and capabilities. We help individuals to achieve a clearer understanding of their motives, thoughts, feelings and behavior and work with them to develop the skills that will allow them to cope with or adapt to new situations. We are not “just talking.” We are assessing the situation, formulating ideas, presenting new ways of understanding one’s self and others, and we are helping people recognize previously unidentified options and opportunities.
Meeting with a psychologist gives individuals and families the opportunity to step back, explore their situation from new perspectives and develop plans to assess and respond to the existing difficulties. With our assistance, individuals can discover why certain problems or life transitions have felt unmanageable, and they can learn adaptive ways to respond to and resolve future problems more effectively.
In today’s complicated world, meeting expected and unexpected demands can be challenging. Many people are pleasantly surprised at how easy it is to talk with us about their problems. Talking helps them feel less disoriented and more in control of their lives. They become aware of options and opportunities and learn new ways of seeking support and satisfaction for themselves and for those they care about.
Reference: http://drswerdlow-freed.com/therapyarticle12.html
Surviving Adolescence
by Irene M. Swerdlow-Freed, Psy.D.
Our typical teenage patient arrives with a parent, slumps down in the chair and lets us know through his/her behavior that he/she is not happy to be here. The parents look embarrassed, angry, frustrated, and begin the session with a litany of daily arguments, hassles, et cetera. How do teenagers perfect that look that can drive you through the roof? How do they know exactly which behaviors will get you screaming as if you are on fire? It is common for parents to feel befuddled by their teenager's behavior, and to question their own sanity.
Adolescents are excited by the unlimited opportunities that life holds and believe that all their dreams can become reality. They have begun to fend for themselves and feel that no problem is beyond their ability to solve. Teenagers want to spend their time with friends, people who are like themselves and who understand them. They have little patience for things that do not seem immediately relevant to their lives.
Parents, on the other hand, find it hard to recall their dreams from adolescence. They know that hard work, planning and discipline are required to realize one's goals. Parents also recognize that even though their child shows maturity in some matters, there are other areas where he/she still requires guidance and direction. Therefore, it is understandable that parents may wish to protect their child from unnecessary or painful mistakes. Finally, even though most parents understand their child's desire to socialize, they still feel hurt or disappointed as their child pulls away from them. And if their child is old enough to have these privileges, shouldn't he/she have commensurate responsibilities such as helping out more around the house?
Most parents and teenagers survive the adolescent years without too much difficulty. For some families, however, this tumultuous phase causes considerable conflict and creates many hurt feelings. Despite differences between parents and teenage children, both share a similar goal: to help the teen grow into a responsible, well-adjusted and self-confident adult.
The primary concern we hear from parents is how to get their teenager to behave cooperatively at home and at school. Many parents are concerned that their teenager's behavior will go from bad to worse. They have concerns about the child flunking out of school, becoming sexually active and running the risk of AIDS or pregnancy, using alcohol or drugs, and getting into legal difficulties. In addition, parents may be concerned that their teenagers are unable to handle feelings of sadness or anger and may harm themselves or others. Sometimes parents are unsure whether a particular behavior or attitude constitutes a bona fide problem, but they are aware that their home life has become very stressful and seeking guidance is a good idea under these circumstances.
Since teenagers display wide range of tastes, interests, attitudes, and behaviors, there usually is no single characteristic that differentiates those who are well adjusted from those who are not. Typically, in assessing teenagers, we look at how well they are able to abide by reasonable rules and expectations at home and at school. We look at the quality of their peer relationships, and how these adolescents define themselves. We also look at their ability to handle stress and resolve conflict effectively.
In addition to assessing a teenager's overall level of functioning, we evaluate the quality of the parent-child relationship. Are family members concerned about one another? Do they spend time together and discuss daily events or other topics of mutual interest, or is contact infrequent and filled with anger and discord?
In addition to assessing the youngster's individual functioning and the parent-child interactions, we assess the validity and gravity of the parent's concerns. Are the concerns related to annoyances such as loud music and a messy room, or are there serious problems such as drug use or sexual promiscuity?
In the majority of cases, families can resolve major areas of concern once they have learned the skills of communication and negotiation. It is often very difficult for parents to communicate with their adolescent children in a calm, reasonable manner because the adolescent's behavior appears so unreasonable and confrontational. Yet threats, nagging, lecturing, demanding, ridiculing, and yelling are unlikely to get cooperation from teenagers. Rather, it gives them ammunition to blame their parents and to avoid taking responsibility for their own actions.
We recommend that parents and teenagers learn how to approach problems together through active communication. This is not only likely to be a more effective response than arguing, but it will also strengthen the parent-child relationship and teach the adolescent important skills they can use in other relationships throughout their lives. Effective communication includes active listening, sharing information, problem solving, and negotiating a resolution.
Effective communication involves giving the other person full attention, allowing them to speak without interruption and acknowledging their comments and feelings. This approach gives parents the opportunity to evaluate the nonverbal behavior of their teenagers (i.e. are they becoming tearful as they tell you they don't care that they have no friends?) as well. It is a time for gathering and sharing information in a calm manner, clearly focusing on the problem, identifying the reason it is a problem and identifying what each party would like to see occur. Problem solving and negotiation involve exploring alternatives and brainstorming to find an agreeable solution.
Developing good communication skills will not "cure" your adolescent. There will still be times when a teenager refuses to discuss a problem or refuses to be cooperative. At that point allowing a natural or logical consequence to occur may be your best bet. Logical consequences place the burden and responsibility on your child. For example, if your adolescent refuses to put dirty clothes in the hamper, then s/he will not have clean clothes to wear. If your teenager is consistently late getting home, then s/he loses the use of the car for a week. Your child has a choice to make, and suffers consequences if s/he chooses badly.
If the problem is serious or severe and communication does not resolve the difficulty, or if the logical consequence is potentially dangerous, it is the parent's responsibility to take appropriate action to protect the child. For example, if you hear your child talking about getting stoned at a party, do not allow your child to attend the party. If substance use appears to be a serious problem, seek treatment promptly for your child.
Your teenager is unlikely to thank you for setting rules and restrictions, and there will be times when he/she tests the limits. You may wonder if you can survive the uphill battle as your adolescent finds creative ways to push your buttons. But there will also be times when you see the responsible adult within your child, and times when you are proud of what he/she has accomplished. Remember to take time to reinforce the positive behavior you observe, to reward good behavior, and allow increased privileges as your child exhibits increased responsibility. Talk with your adolescent about the good times as well as the bad. Share information about your day and about yourself. Eat together and have fun together. Adolescence is a stage of transition and change for your child, for you and for the relationship. It is an important step on the road to adulthood.
Reference: http://drswerdlow-freed.com/therapyarticle11.html
Our typical teenage patient arrives with a parent, slumps down in the chair and lets us know through his/her behavior that he/she is not happy to be here. The parents look embarrassed, angry, frustrated, and begin the session with a litany of daily arguments, hassles, et cetera. How do teenagers perfect that look that can drive you through the roof? How do they know exactly which behaviors will get you screaming as if you are on fire? It is common for parents to feel befuddled by their teenager's behavior, and to question their own sanity.
Adolescents are excited by the unlimited opportunities that life holds and believe that all their dreams can become reality. They have begun to fend for themselves and feel that no problem is beyond their ability to solve. Teenagers want to spend their time with friends, people who are like themselves and who understand them. They have little patience for things that do not seem immediately relevant to their lives.
Parents, on the other hand, find it hard to recall their dreams from adolescence. They know that hard work, planning and discipline are required to realize one's goals. Parents also recognize that even though their child shows maturity in some matters, there are other areas where he/she still requires guidance and direction. Therefore, it is understandable that parents may wish to protect their child from unnecessary or painful mistakes. Finally, even though most parents understand their child's desire to socialize, they still feel hurt or disappointed as their child pulls away from them. And if their child is old enough to have these privileges, shouldn't he/she have commensurate responsibilities such as helping out more around the house?
Most parents and teenagers survive the adolescent years without too much difficulty. For some families, however, this tumultuous phase causes considerable conflict and creates many hurt feelings. Despite differences between parents and teenage children, both share a similar goal: to help the teen grow into a responsible, well-adjusted and self-confident adult.
The primary concern we hear from parents is how to get their teenager to behave cooperatively at home and at school. Many parents are concerned that their teenager's behavior will go from bad to worse. They have concerns about the child flunking out of school, becoming sexually active and running the risk of AIDS or pregnancy, using alcohol or drugs, and getting into legal difficulties. In addition, parents may be concerned that their teenagers are unable to handle feelings of sadness or anger and may harm themselves or others. Sometimes parents are unsure whether a particular behavior or attitude constitutes a bona fide problem, but they are aware that their home life has become very stressful and seeking guidance is a good idea under these circumstances.
Since teenagers display wide range of tastes, interests, attitudes, and behaviors, there usually is no single characteristic that differentiates those who are well adjusted from those who are not. Typically, in assessing teenagers, we look at how well they are able to abide by reasonable rules and expectations at home and at school. We look at the quality of their peer relationships, and how these adolescents define themselves. We also look at their ability to handle stress and resolve conflict effectively.
In addition to assessing a teenager's overall level of functioning, we evaluate the quality of the parent-child relationship. Are family members concerned about one another? Do they spend time together and discuss daily events or other topics of mutual interest, or is contact infrequent and filled with anger and discord?
In addition to assessing the youngster's individual functioning and the parent-child interactions, we assess the validity and gravity of the parent's concerns. Are the concerns related to annoyances such as loud music and a messy room, or are there serious problems such as drug use or sexual promiscuity?
In the majority of cases, families can resolve major areas of concern once they have learned the skills of communication and negotiation. It is often very difficult for parents to communicate with their adolescent children in a calm, reasonable manner because the adolescent's behavior appears so unreasonable and confrontational. Yet threats, nagging, lecturing, demanding, ridiculing, and yelling are unlikely to get cooperation from teenagers. Rather, it gives them ammunition to blame their parents and to avoid taking responsibility for their own actions.
We recommend that parents and teenagers learn how to approach problems together through active communication. This is not only likely to be a more effective response than arguing, but it will also strengthen the parent-child relationship and teach the adolescent important skills they can use in other relationships throughout their lives. Effective communication includes active listening, sharing information, problem solving, and negotiating a resolution.
Effective communication involves giving the other person full attention, allowing them to speak without interruption and acknowledging their comments and feelings. This approach gives parents the opportunity to evaluate the nonverbal behavior of their teenagers (i.e. are they becoming tearful as they tell you they don't care that they have no friends?) as well. It is a time for gathering and sharing information in a calm manner, clearly focusing on the problem, identifying the reason it is a problem and identifying what each party would like to see occur. Problem solving and negotiation involve exploring alternatives and brainstorming to find an agreeable solution.
Developing good communication skills will not "cure" your adolescent. There will still be times when a teenager refuses to discuss a problem or refuses to be cooperative. At that point allowing a natural or logical consequence to occur may be your best bet. Logical consequences place the burden and responsibility on your child. For example, if your adolescent refuses to put dirty clothes in the hamper, then s/he will not have clean clothes to wear. If your teenager is consistently late getting home, then s/he loses the use of the car for a week. Your child has a choice to make, and suffers consequences if s/he chooses badly.
If the problem is serious or severe and communication does not resolve the difficulty, or if the logical consequence is potentially dangerous, it is the parent's responsibility to take appropriate action to protect the child. For example, if you hear your child talking about getting stoned at a party, do not allow your child to attend the party. If substance use appears to be a serious problem, seek treatment promptly for your child.
Your teenager is unlikely to thank you for setting rules and restrictions, and there will be times when he/she tests the limits. You may wonder if you can survive the uphill battle as your adolescent finds creative ways to push your buttons. But there will also be times when you see the responsible adult within your child, and times when you are proud of what he/she has accomplished. Remember to take time to reinforce the positive behavior you observe, to reward good behavior, and allow increased privileges as your child exhibits increased responsibility. Talk with your adolescent about the good times as well as the bad. Share information about your day and about yourself. Eat together and have fun together. Adolescence is a stage of transition and change for your child, for you and for the relationship. It is an important step on the road to adulthood.
Reference: http://drswerdlow-freed.com/therapyarticle11.html
Strengthening Family Ties with Traditions
by Irene M. Swerdlow-Freed, Psy.D.
The "traditional" family is now only one of a variety of family structures that includes single parent families, two career families, biracial families, blended families with part-time and full-time stepchildren, homosexual couples, grandparents as parents, and households with parents of different religions or cultures. While family composition has been redefined, the basic needs of human beings within a family to love and be loved, to cherish others and to feel cherished in return have not changed.
In today's ever changing society, a dependable family environment can provide a safe haven of security and emotional closeness for children and adults alike: a place where family members are able to develop their own identity and learn how to establish and maintain permanent caring relationships.
Parents recognize the value of a strong family unit. However, it becomes difficult to sustain a feeling of closeness when parents work long hours and children are involved in many activities outside the home. In addition, television often replaces meaningful conversation and results in family members losing touch with one another.
Establishing family rituals and traditions is one effective way to strengthen family ties while meeting the diverse physical, social, mental, and spiritual needs of its members. Traditions can become an important facet of everyday life, transforming ordinary events into more meaningful and satisfying interactions.
Converting ordinary routines into meaningful traditions can take little more time than is already spent on these activities. The first step in developing family traditions is to review a typical day, hour by hour and identify the different interactions that already take place. What occurs at mealtimes? What happens when individuals leave home or return home? What are the underlying roles and responsibilities of each family member?
Once we have a good understanding of our daily routine, change can be initiated by focusing in on one activity. By talking with our spouse or child, we can identify changes that would make an activity feel more worthwhile. For example, some parents find their morning routine is more satisfying when they have some time together before the children wake up. Other families find that mealtime is more satisfying when the family prepares the meal together and the television is turned off while eating. Families who do not usually eat together can establish a tradition of sharing events that happened to the parents and children during the day.
For family members who do not live together throughout the week, developing weekend rituals can create a sense of belonging. Parents and children can look forward to planned activities, such as visiting friends or relatives or cooking a special breakfast together. Annual events, such as birthday and holiday celebrations, can be given special meaning by incorporating each person's ideas on how to make the occasion meaningful.
Families need to be nurtured in order to grow and develop. Without continuous attention, family relationships can become stagnant and may fail to provide each member with a desired level of satisfaction. Just as we water our plants, maintain our cars and take care of our pets, we need to work at maintaining strong, healthy family ties that will increase the happiness and well being of the entire family, now and in the future. Developing rituals and traditions out of ordinary, daily routines can help families transition together from one activity to another and provide a feeling of continuity and security to all family members throughout their lives.
Reference: http://drswerdlow-freed.com/therapyarticle10.html
The "traditional" family is now only one of a variety of family structures that includes single parent families, two career families, biracial families, blended families with part-time and full-time stepchildren, homosexual couples, grandparents as parents, and households with parents of different religions or cultures. While family composition has been redefined, the basic needs of human beings within a family to love and be loved, to cherish others and to feel cherished in return have not changed.
In today's ever changing society, a dependable family environment can provide a safe haven of security and emotional closeness for children and adults alike: a place where family members are able to develop their own identity and learn how to establish and maintain permanent caring relationships.
Parents recognize the value of a strong family unit. However, it becomes difficult to sustain a feeling of closeness when parents work long hours and children are involved in many activities outside the home. In addition, television often replaces meaningful conversation and results in family members losing touch with one another.
Establishing family rituals and traditions is one effective way to strengthen family ties while meeting the diverse physical, social, mental, and spiritual needs of its members. Traditions can become an important facet of everyday life, transforming ordinary events into more meaningful and satisfying interactions.
Converting ordinary routines into meaningful traditions can take little more time than is already spent on these activities. The first step in developing family traditions is to review a typical day, hour by hour and identify the different interactions that already take place. What occurs at mealtimes? What happens when individuals leave home or return home? What are the underlying roles and responsibilities of each family member?
Once we have a good understanding of our daily routine, change can be initiated by focusing in on one activity. By talking with our spouse or child, we can identify changes that would make an activity feel more worthwhile. For example, some parents find their morning routine is more satisfying when they have some time together before the children wake up. Other families find that mealtime is more satisfying when the family prepares the meal together and the television is turned off while eating. Families who do not usually eat together can establish a tradition of sharing events that happened to the parents and children during the day.
For family members who do not live together throughout the week, developing weekend rituals can create a sense of belonging. Parents and children can look forward to planned activities, such as visiting friends or relatives or cooking a special breakfast together. Annual events, such as birthday and holiday celebrations, can be given special meaning by incorporating each person's ideas on how to make the occasion meaningful.
Families need to be nurtured in order to grow and develop. Without continuous attention, family relationships can become stagnant and may fail to provide each member with a desired level of satisfaction. Just as we water our plants, maintain our cars and take care of our pets, we need to work at maintaining strong, healthy family ties that will increase the happiness and well being of the entire family, now and in the future. Developing rituals and traditions out of ordinary, daily routines can help families transition together from one activity to another and provide a feeling of continuity and security to all family members throughout their lives.
Reference: http://drswerdlow-freed.com/therapyarticle10.html
Improving Communication Between Parents and Teenagers
by Irene M. Swerdlow-Freed, Psy.D.
Teenagers enter their adolescent years with a mixture of optimism, excitement and apprehension. Rightfully so! Adolescence is a time when boys and girls begin to establish greater independence from their parents. It is also a time when young people begin to develop the sense of personal individuality that will help define their future identity as adults. In fact, establishing independence and forming a unique identity are two of the most important developmental tasks adolescents must accomplish in preparation for living satisfying and productive adult lives.
It is not easy for parents or teenagers to navigate smoothly this transitional stage, and it is often accompanied by an increase in tension and strain in the parent-child relationship. Adolescents want to demonstrate independence from their parents and to make their own decisions. They often do not recognize their need for adult supervision, guidance and support in their transition to adulthood.
Some parents find it easy to keep the lines of communication open with an adolescent child. These parents are often perceived by the child as stable sources of positive influence, and the teen feels supported in his/her growing independence. Communication in such families is characterized by mutual respect and the ability to exchange freely feelings and ideas. Parents who understand their teenager's need for a reasonable measure of independence and individuality encourage their child's growth and achievements. This positive interest strengthens the bonds of the parent-child relationship. When an adolescent receives parental approval and believes that the parent genuinely values his/her accomplishments, it promotes positive self-esteem and creates a willingness to share other information about one's self.
Many families find it difficult to establish and maintain open communication with their child during the adolescent years. Some parents have difficulty understanding the changes their teenager is experiencing and resist his/her need to pull away from the family and make independent decisions. At the same time, some teenagers are so self-focused they do not appreciate or accept their parent's legitimate concerns, and, they rebel against all parental authority. In these circumstances, frequent arguments may develop, and family life may become difficult and conflict ridden for all. Parents and teenagers may withdraw from one another to avoid arguments, but this solution tends to be ineffective because it does not resolve the underlying problem. The tension and disruption may become intolerable and the parents may need professional help to re-establish harmony within the family.
A major long term goal, when assisting parents and adolescents who are experiencing difficulty in their interactions, is to help them develop more effective communication and problem solving skills. This enables the family members to resolve their own conflicts and to establish more harmonious and more satisfying relationships. In order to accomplish this goal action must be taken in a number of areas.
The first step in this process is to define the problem. It is important to help all family members to clarify their views on the nature of the conflicts and the circumstances that cause them. This is accomplished by discussing specific areas of disagreement, such as curfew, choice of friends, chores, or school performance, and by identifying the communication patterns that exist within the family and result in conflict. Parents and teenagers are helped to examine their own behavior to identify their role in disagreements. In addition, they are assisted in identifying the ways in which they themselves can resolve problems and prevent further disruption of family life.
Not surprisingly, parents and teenagers feel in better control of their lives once they understand the ways in which their own conduct contributes to family discord. With this insight, they are then ready to explore steps they can take together to resolve future impasses on a less confrontational basis.
We endeavor to teach the family to attack the problem, not each other. This involves assisting family members to respond less intensely when upset, to state a position without being disrespectful and to communicate genuine interest in what is being said by others. The family learns how to listen without interrupting, how to verify the accuracy of what they heard, and how to discuss a problem without becoming side-tracked by irrelevant issues.
After the sources of the problems are analyzed and family members have learned to communicate more effectively, we encourage them to propose possible solutions. Parents and teenagers are helped to discuss and clarify the changes they would like to see to reduce family conflict. They are taught to listen without immediately responding and to respond in a way that maintains constructive dialogue. By jointly discussing all proposed solutions, the family members begin to comprehend each other's positions and each participant ends up feeling acknowledged and better understood.
After family members have learned effective listening and feedback techniques and have become more skilled at identifying the problem and proposing possible alternatives they are ready for the final step in this process - evaluating and selecting solutions. The teenager and the parents are now able to listen to one another without interrupting, to better understand each other's position, and feel that their own view is being taken into consideration. These changes result in a significant lessening of animosity and a new willingness to compromise. Parents and teenagers are now more ready and able to discuss and agree on specific solutions that can benefit the whole family.
Adolescence is a transitional period for both children and their parents. It involves individual and family changes, which can at times disrupt family relationships. By improving communication and developing better problem solving skills, families can work together to minimize disagreements and restore a good level of harmony in their home.
reference: http://drswerdlow-freed.com/therapyarticle8.html
Teenagers enter their adolescent years with a mixture of optimism, excitement and apprehension. Rightfully so! Adolescence is a time when boys and girls begin to establish greater independence from their parents. It is also a time when young people begin to develop the sense of personal individuality that will help define their future identity as adults. In fact, establishing independence and forming a unique identity are two of the most important developmental tasks adolescents must accomplish in preparation for living satisfying and productive adult lives.
It is not easy for parents or teenagers to navigate smoothly this transitional stage, and it is often accompanied by an increase in tension and strain in the parent-child relationship. Adolescents want to demonstrate independence from their parents and to make their own decisions. They often do not recognize their need for adult supervision, guidance and support in their transition to adulthood.
Some parents find it easy to keep the lines of communication open with an adolescent child. These parents are often perceived by the child as stable sources of positive influence, and the teen feels supported in his/her growing independence. Communication in such families is characterized by mutual respect and the ability to exchange freely feelings and ideas. Parents who understand their teenager's need for a reasonable measure of independence and individuality encourage their child's growth and achievements. This positive interest strengthens the bonds of the parent-child relationship. When an adolescent receives parental approval and believes that the parent genuinely values his/her accomplishments, it promotes positive self-esteem and creates a willingness to share other information about one's self.
Many families find it difficult to establish and maintain open communication with their child during the adolescent years. Some parents have difficulty understanding the changes their teenager is experiencing and resist his/her need to pull away from the family and make independent decisions. At the same time, some teenagers are so self-focused they do not appreciate or accept their parent's legitimate concerns, and, they rebel against all parental authority. In these circumstances, frequent arguments may develop, and family life may become difficult and conflict ridden for all. Parents and teenagers may withdraw from one another to avoid arguments, but this solution tends to be ineffective because it does not resolve the underlying problem. The tension and disruption may become intolerable and the parents may need professional help to re-establish harmony within the family.
A major long term goal, when assisting parents and adolescents who are experiencing difficulty in their interactions, is to help them develop more effective communication and problem solving skills. This enables the family members to resolve their own conflicts and to establish more harmonious and more satisfying relationships. In order to accomplish this goal action must be taken in a number of areas.
The first step in this process is to define the problem. It is important to help all family members to clarify their views on the nature of the conflicts and the circumstances that cause them. This is accomplished by discussing specific areas of disagreement, such as curfew, choice of friends, chores, or school performance, and by identifying the communication patterns that exist within the family and result in conflict. Parents and teenagers are helped to examine their own behavior to identify their role in disagreements. In addition, they are assisted in identifying the ways in which they themselves can resolve problems and prevent further disruption of family life.
Not surprisingly, parents and teenagers feel in better control of their lives once they understand the ways in which their own conduct contributes to family discord. With this insight, they are then ready to explore steps they can take together to resolve future impasses on a less confrontational basis.
We endeavor to teach the family to attack the problem, not each other. This involves assisting family members to respond less intensely when upset, to state a position without being disrespectful and to communicate genuine interest in what is being said by others. The family learns how to listen without interrupting, how to verify the accuracy of what they heard, and how to discuss a problem without becoming side-tracked by irrelevant issues.
After the sources of the problems are analyzed and family members have learned to communicate more effectively, we encourage them to propose possible solutions. Parents and teenagers are helped to discuss and clarify the changes they would like to see to reduce family conflict. They are taught to listen without immediately responding and to respond in a way that maintains constructive dialogue. By jointly discussing all proposed solutions, the family members begin to comprehend each other's positions and each participant ends up feeling acknowledged and better understood.
After family members have learned effective listening and feedback techniques and have become more skilled at identifying the problem and proposing possible alternatives they are ready for the final step in this process - evaluating and selecting solutions. The teenager and the parents are now able to listen to one another without interrupting, to better understand each other's position, and feel that their own view is being taken into consideration. These changes result in a significant lessening of animosity and a new willingness to compromise. Parents and teenagers are now more ready and able to discuss and agree on specific solutions that can benefit the whole family.
Adolescence is a transitional period for both children and their parents. It involves individual and family changes, which can at times disrupt family relationships. By improving communication and developing better problem solving skills, families can work together to minimize disagreements and restore a good level of harmony in their home.
reference: http://drswerdlow-freed.com/therapyarticle8.html
How to Determine if Your Child Needs Therapy
by Irene M. Swerdlow-Freed, Psy.D.
It is common for children to experience occasional problems as they grow and mature. They experience conflicts at home over such issues as toilet training, bedtime and homework. They encounter problems with parents and peers as they attempt to establish a personal identity and practice relating to others. They experience conflict with teachers as academic and behavioral demands increase. As a child is faced with new situations, demands and expectations, it is common for the child to experience emotional ups and downs characterized by feelings of sadness, fear and anger. These reactions tend to be short-lived, however, and usually do not significantly interfere with the child's life. However, occasionally a child's response to life's pressures may become severe, and the parents' attempts to help their child may be unsuccessful. At times such as these, professional assistance may be warranted.
How does a parent know when it is time to seek professional assistance for their child? In our practice, we look at a number of factors in determining the appropriateness of treatment. First, we evaluate if the observed emotional distress is disrupting daily functioning, threatens to overwhelm the child or interferes with the achievement of age-appropriate developmental milestones. For example, parental divorce is an emotionally upsetting experience that children react to in a variety of ways. If a child's reaction includes uncharacteristic school failure, fear of sleeping alone or heightened anxiety when separating from a parent, it indicates that normal functioning has become disrupted, and referral for psychological treatment is indicated.
Similarly, psychological treatment may be warranted when a child's difficulties interfere with normal family functioning, even though the child is not upset by this circumstance. We see this situation frequently with children who have unrealistic or exaggerated fears about going to school. These children become frantic when faced with separation from the parents. The child may be content to remain at home but the parents are often very distressed and inconvenienced by their child's unreasonable refusal to go to school. The child's inability or unwillingness to separate from the parents may make them late for work or miss work altogether, and they may feel frustrated and helpless to effectively deal with the situation.
Children may also benefit from psychological treatment when the problems they face are complicated and beyond the range of normal daily experience. For example, children who suffer from serious or life-threatening medical problems often derive benefit from the assistance provided by a knowledgeable psychologist. The psychologist focuses on helping these children develop coping skills to deal with their unique situation and advises parents regarding how best to support their child.
The least common but most serious indication that psychological treatment is needed is when a child's symptoms are severe or the behavior is extreme and potentially life threatening. This would include situations in which a child is experiencing false auditory or visual sensations, setting fires, assaulting others, or is severely depressed and making remarks about committing suicide.
Parents react in varied ways when faced with the idea that their child needs psychological treatment. Some parents tend to feel guilty and blame themselves for their child's problem. Other concerned parents may experience confusion or uncertainty regarding their child's need for treatment. A teacher, for instance, may describe the child as evidencing emotional or behavior problems in the classroom, while the child appears to behave normally at home. Parents who receive this type of feedback often have difficulty reconciling their own perception of their child with those of the teacher.
Most parents can and should attempt to help their child cope with problems before consulting a psychologist. However, as with all areas of life, there are some situations where outside help is warranted. The average parent is not reluctant to consult a physician for their child's medical needs. In fact, parents who do not obtain appropriate medical care for their children are considered negligent. We believe the informed parent also recognizes when their child may need or benefit from psychological treatment and understands that such intervention is not in any way a sign of parental failure.
Child psychologists possess specialized knowledge and skills that enable them to identify problem behaviors and formulate appropriate interventions. A psychologist trained to work with children and families can develop individualized treatment plans appropriate to each child's specific needs.
We consider parental involvement to be a crucial component of every child's treatment. From the first session, parents are relied upon for information concerning their child's development, behavior, relationships, and habits and they are closely consulted regarding the goals of treatment. We view parents as our partners in the treatment process and rely upon them to provide critical feedback regarding the effectiveness of our interventions as they are developed and implemented.
Children's reactions to stressful life circumstances range from mild and short-lived to severe and long lasting. When a child's problems do not resolve within a reasonable time-frame psychological intervention is recommended. Therapy offers children the opportunity to identify, discuss and understand problems and to develop necessary coping skills. Therapy also provides the opportunity to address parental concerns, educate parents regarding their child's unique needs, and assist them in meeting these needs in an appropriate, effective fashion. Finally, it is important to recognize that without appropriate and timely treatment a child's problems may become severe and lead to more serious, long-lasting difficulties.
Reference: http://drswerdlow-freed.com/therapyarticle7.html
It is common for children to experience occasional problems as they grow and mature. They experience conflicts at home over such issues as toilet training, bedtime and homework. They encounter problems with parents and peers as they attempt to establish a personal identity and practice relating to others. They experience conflict with teachers as academic and behavioral demands increase. As a child is faced with new situations, demands and expectations, it is common for the child to experience emotional ups and downs characterized by feelings of sadness, fear and anger. These reactions tend to be short-lived, however, and usually do not significantly interfere with the child's life. However, occasionally a child's response to life's pressures may become severe, and the parents' attempts to help their child may be unsuccessful. At times such as these, professional assistance may be warranted.
How does a parent know when it is time to seek professional assistance for their child? In our practice, we look at a number of factors in determining the appropriateness of treatment. First, we evaluate if the observed emotional distress is disrupting daily functioning, threatens to overwhelm the child or interferes with the achievement of age-appropriate developmental milestones. For example, parental divorce is an emotionally upsetting experience that children react to in a variety of ways. If a child's reaction includes uncharacteristic school failure, fear of sleeping alone or heightened anxiety when separating from a parent, it indicates that normal functioning has become disrupted, and referral for psychological treatment is indicated.
Similarly, psychological treatment may be warranted when a child's difficulties interfere with normal family functioning, even though the child is not upset by this circumstance. We see this situation frequently with children who have unrealistic or exaggerated fears about going to school. These children become frantic when faced with separation from the parents. The child may be content to remain at home but the parents are often very distressed and inconvenienced by their child's unreasonable refusal to go to school. The child's inability or unwillingness to separate from the parents may make them late for work or miss work altogether, and they may feel frustrated and helpless to effectively deal with the situation.
Children may also benefit from psychological treatment when the problems they face are complicated and beyond the range of normal daily experience. For example, children who suffer from serious or life-threatening medical problems often derive benefit from the assistance provided by a knowledgeable psychologist. The psychologist focuses on helping these children develop coping skills to deal with their unique situation and advises parents regarding how best to support their child.
The least common but most serious indication that psychological treatment is needed is when a child's symptoms are severe or the behavior is extreme and potentially life threatening. This would include situations in which a child is experiencing false auditory or visual sensations, setting fires, assaulting others, or is severely depressed and making remarks about committing suicide.
Parents react in varied ways when faced with the idea that their child needs psychological treatment. Some parents tend to feel guilty and blame themselves for their child's problem. Other concerned parents may experience confusion or uncertainty regarding their child's need for treatment. A teacher, for instance, may describe the child as evidencing emotional or behavior problems in the classroom, while the child appears to behave normally at home. Parents who receive this type of feedback often have difficulty reconciling their own perception of their child with those of the teacher.
Most parents can and should attempt to help their child cope with problems before consulting a psychologist. However, as with all areas of life, there are some situations where outside help is warranted. The average parent is not reluctant to consult a physician for their child's medical needs. In fact, parents who do not obtain appropriate medical care for their children are considered negligent. We believe the informed parent also recognizes when their child may need or benefit from psychological treatment and understands that such intervention is not in any way a sign of parental failure.
Child psychologists possess specialized knowledge and skills that enable them to identify problem behaviors and formulate appropriate interventions. A psychologist trained to work with children and families can develop individualized treatment plans appropriate to each child's specific needs.
We consider parental involvement to be a crucial component of every child's treatment. From the first session, parents are relied upon for information concerning their child's development, behavior, relationships, and habits and they are closely consulted regarding the goals of treatment. We view parents as our partners in the treatment process and rely upon them to provide critical feedback regarding the effectiveness of our interventions as they are developed and implemented.
Children's reactions to stressful life circumstances range from mild and short-lived to severe and long lasting. When a child's problems do not resolve within a reasonable time-frame psychological intervention is recommended. Therapy offers children the opportunity to identify, discuss and understand problems and to develop necessary coping skills. Therapy also provides the opportunity to address parental concerns, educate parents regarding their child's unique needs, and assist them in meeting these needs in an appropriate, effective fashion. Finally, it is important to recognize that without appropriate and timely treatment a child's problems may become severe and lead to more serious, long-lasting difficulties.
Reference: http://drswerdlow-freed.com/therapyarticle7.html
Helping Children Cope with Loss and Grief
by Irene M. Swerdlow-Freed, Psy.D.
I recently treated a 7-year-old boy, who, following his father's death, was refusing to sleep at night. He would climb out of bed, turn on the lights, and play with his toys, or sneak downstairs to watch television. His mother had tried to address this behavior, but the boy continued to refuse to go to sleep. In addition, he began misbehaving at school and was no longer completing his schoolwork.
It was immediately evident upon meeting this child that he was overtired, distraught and sad. As our first session progressed and he relaxed, he poignantly stated that his father was sleeping comfortably in heaven. As we discussed his father's death it become evident that this boy understood the finality of death, but incorrectly believed that his father had fallen asleep and was now unable to wake up. This child was afraid that, he too, would fall asleep forever, and this fear generated his refusal to go to sleep. After communicating this information to the mother, she and I together explained to the boy the difference between falling asleep and dying. We then explored the boy's thoughts and feelings about his father's death, and answered his questions about this experience.
Helping a child grieve is understandably difficult for parents and relatives who are themselves experiencing a myriad of emotions associated with the death of a loved one. Yet a basic understanding of how children conceptualize death and handle grief and the support they require can reduce both the adult's and child's experienced stress.
Very young children are usually unfamiliar with death and lack the cognitive sophistication to conceptualize its meaning. When talking to a toddler or pre-school aged child about death, it is helpful to begin by talking about life: live people and animals breathe, talk, eat, sing, and sleep, while in death none of these activities occur. It is instructive to reference situations that occur naturally. When a dead animal is sighted on the road it can be explained that the animal has died and is no longer capable of life's normal activities. Since very young children do not have an adult's sense of time and lack the capacity to conceptualize what "forever" means, it is common for them to ask when Daddy or Mommy is going to stop being dead and come home. Despite the passage of weeks and even months, some small children continue to anticipate that death is reversible and that the deceased parent or loved one will be returning.
Very young children are better able than adults to set aside upsetting emotions and focus on other aspects of life. It is normal, for example, for them to quickly move beyond their sadness and to re-focus attention on enjoyable daily activities, such as playing with friends. Although they will continue to experience occasional periods of sadness or loneliness, if adults meet their overall needs, they will overcome feelings of sorrow and resume normal life.
Children do not encounter the daily reminders of an adult death, such as funeral arrangements, the will, reorganizing finances, or filing insurance claims. They are, however, very perceptive to signs of unusual activity; hushed tones, numerous phone calls, a parent crying, and a general feeling of tension within the home. Young children often respond to the emotional tone of the household with aberrant or immature behavior. It is important that parents, close relatives or family friends make time to spend with the child, and assist the child's return to his or her normal day-to-day routine as soon as possible.
School-age children are better able than younger children to conceptualize the finality of death. However, school age children may also feel responsible for a parent's death or they may dwell on ways that they could have treated the deceased parent better. Children at this age often have many questions and concerns. They often need to talk about the person who has died, and to express fears that they or another loved one may die. It is common for children who have experienced a parent's death to wonder what will now occur in their own lives.
In the context of missing a parent, a child may imagine him- or herself joining that parent by dying too. It is useful for adults to understand that this idea is a fantasy, and usually does not signify that a child is suicidal. Furthermore, it is important to stress to the child that he or she is loved and valued by people who are alive, and that these people would be extremely upset if something bad happened to him or her.
Older school age children often have complex reactions to the death of a parent or loved one, and may not know how to effectively handle their own emotional reactions. They may be reluctant to discuss the deceased, in order to avoid painful feelings. They may seek escape into solitary activities and wish to remain apart from others. Still other children may withdraw from family members, with whom they have become close out of fear of losing that person. However, isolation and avoidance are not adaptive ways of coping because these methods do not enable children, or adults, to resolve feelings of grief, loss, or sadness. Finally, it is not uncommon for children this age to experience nightmares or somatic complaints, such as headaches and stomachaches.
Teenagers, because of their greater cognitive maturity and sophistication, are the most likely to deal with death in a manner similar to adults. Adolescents are likely to experience a variety of feelings including denial, anger, and sadness, which vary in frequency and intensity.
The normal adolescent developmental tasks of separation and individuation can be profoundly impacted by the death of a loved one. Some adolescents may become unusually dependent and seek excessive comfort from their family unit. Others may prematurely separate from the family to avoid facing the pain and sorrow that permeates the home. It is important that adults remain emotionally available, while also permitting the adolescent to regulate how close and intimate he or she wishes to become during this difficult period.
It is normal and understandable that adults wish to protect children from the emotional pain stemming from the death of a parent or loved one. Practically speaking, however, this is not possible. Adults can help children cope with death and loss by encouraging them to express their feelings and concerns and providing accurate information and honest answers to questions. Depending on the age and temperament of a child, some may find it comforting to attend memorial and funeral services, or to participate in the planning of these events. Other children may find it reassuring to draw a picture or write a note that is placed in the casket, or to plant a tree in the deceased's honor. Children who have never attended a funeral service may be reassured by a step-by-step description in advance of what will transpire, what the body will look like, how people will act, and what to say when people express condolences.
Like adults, children respond in different ways to the death of a loved one. Some children show very little emotion, some become intensely angry, some seek constant reassurance, and some withdraw. Common emotional reactions include denial, anger, guilt, depression, anxiety, and fear. A child may show only one or two emotions, or may display a broad range of reactions.
It is expected that most children will substantially recover from the death of a parent or loved one within a 6 to 12 month period. Children who do not adequately recover and who display excessive sadness or guilt or exhibit abnormal behavior may require professional help to effectively resolve their feelings. A psychologist who is familiar with child development and grief reactions can assist a child, and his or her parents, to cope with and work through unresolved feelings related to the death of a loved one.
Reference: http://drswerdlow-freed.com/therapyarticle5.html
I recently treated a 7-year-old boy, who, following his father's death, was refusing to sleep at night. He would climb out of bed, turn on the lights, and play with his toys, or sneak downstairs to watch television. His mother had tried to address this behavior, but the boy continued to refuse to go to sleep. In addition, he began misbehaving at school and was no longer completing his schoolwork.
It was immediately evident upon meeting this child that he was overtired, distraught and sad. As our first session progressed and he relaxed, he poignantly stated that his father was sleeping comfortably in heaven. As we discussed his father's death it become evident that this boy understood the finality of death, but incorrectly believed that his father had fallen asleep and was now unable to wake up. This child was afraid that, he too, would fall asleep forever, and this fear generated his refusal to go to sleep. After communicating this information to the mother, she and I together explained to the boy the difference between falling asleep and dying. We then explored the boy's thoughts and feelings about his father's death, and answered his questions about this experience.
Helping a child grieve is understandably difficult for parents and relatives who are themselves experiencing a myriad of emotions associated with the death of a loved one. Yet a basic understanding of how children conceptualize death and handle grief and the support they require can reduce both the adult's and child's experienced stress.
Very young children are usually unfamiliar with death and lack the cognitive sophistication to conceptualize its meaning. When talking to a toddler or pre-school aged child about death, it is helpful to begin by talking about life: live people and animals breathe, talk, eat, sing, and sleep, while in death none of these activities occur. It is instructive to reference situations that occur naturally. When a dead animal is sighted on the road it can be explained that the animal has died and is no longer capable of life's normal activities. Since very young children do not have an adult's sense of time and lack the capacity to conceptualize what "forever" means, it is common for them to ask when Daddy or Mommy is going to stop being dead and come home. Despite the passage of weeks and even months, some small children continue to anticipate that death is reversible and that the deceased parent or loved one will be returning.
Very young children are better able than adults to set aside upsetting emotions and focus on other aspects of life. It is normal, for example, for them to quickly move beyond their sadness and to re-focus attention on enjoyable daily activities, such as playing with friends. Although they will continue to experience occasional periods of sadness or loneliness, if adults meet their overall needs, they will overcome feelings of sorrow and resume normal life.
Children do not encounter the daily reminders of an adult death, such as funeral arrangements, the will, reorganizing finances, or filing insurance claims. They are, however, very perceptive to signs of unusual activity; hushed tones, numerous phone calls, a parent crying, and a general feeling of tension within the home. Young children often respond to the emotional tone of the household with aberrant or immature behavior. It is important that parents, close relatives or family friends make time to spend with the child, and assist the child's return to his or her normal day-to-day routine as soon as possible.
School-age children are better able than younger children to conceptualize the finality of death. However, school age children may also feel responsible for a parent's death or they may dwell on ways that they could have treated the deceased parent better. Children at this age often have many questions and concerns. They often need to talk about the person who has died, and to express fears that they or another loved one may die. It is common for children who have experienced a parent's death to wonder what will now occur in their own lives.
In the context of missing a parent, a child may imagine him- or herself joining that parent by dying too. It is useful for adults to understand that this idea is a fantasy, and usually does not signify that a child is suicidal. Furthermore, it is important to stress to the child that he or she is loved and valued by people who are alive, and that these people would be extremely upset if something bad happened to him or her.
Older school age children often have complex reactions to the death of a parent or loved one, and may not know how to effectively handle their own emotional reactions. They may be reluctant to discuss the deceased, in order to avoid painful feelings. They may seek escape into solitary activities and wish to remain apart from others. Still other children may withdraw from family members, with whom they have become close out of fear of losing that person. However, isolation and avoidance are not adaptive ways of coping because these methods do not enable children, or adults, to resolve feelings of grief, loss, or sadness. Finally, it is not uncommon for children this age to experience nightmares or somatic complaints, such as headaches and stomachaches.
Teenagers, because of their greater cognitive maturity and sophistication, are the most likely to deal with death in a manner similar to adults. Adolescents are likely to experience a variety of feelings including denial, anger, and sadness, which vary in frequency and intensity.
The normal adolescent developmental tasks of separation and individuation can be profoundly impacted by the death of a loved one. Some adolescents may become unusually dependent and seek excessive comfort from their family unit. Others may prematurely separate from the family to avoid facing the pain and sorrow that permeates the home. It is important that adults remain emotionally available, while also permitting the adolescent to regulate how close and intimate he or she wishes to become during this difficult period.
It is normal and understandable that adults wish to protect children from the emotional pain stemming from the death of a parent or loved one. Practically speaking, however, this is not possible. Adults can help children cope with death and loss by encouraging them to express their feelings and concerns and providing accurate information and honest answers to questions. Depending on the age and temperament of a child, some may find it comforting to attend memorial and funeral services, or to participate in the planning of these events. Other children may find it reassuring to draw a picture or write a note that is placed in the casket, or to plant a tree in the deceased's honor. Children who have never attended a funeral service may be reassured by a step-by-step description in advance of what will transpire, what the body will look like, how people will act, and what to say when people express condolences.
Like adults, children respond in different ways to the death of a loved one. Some children show very little emotion, some become intensely angry, some seek constant reassurance, and some withdraw. Common emotional reactions include denial, anger, guilt, depression, anxiety, and fear. A child may show only one or two emotions, or may display a broad range of reactions.
It is expected that most children will substantially recover from the death of a parent or loved one within a 6 to 12 month period. Children who do not adequately recover and who display excessive sadness or guilt or exhibit abnormal behavior may require professional help to effectively resolve their feelings. A psychologist who is familiar with child development and grief reactions can assist a child, and his or her parents, to cope with and work through unresolved feelings related to the death of a loved one.
Reference: http://drswerdlow-freed.com/therapyarticle5.html
Discussing Divorce With Children
by Irene M. Swerdlow-Freed, Psy.D.
When parents decide to divorce, they face the dilemma of what and when to tell their children about this life-changing event. And, regardless of the reasons for divorce, telling children is often a very difficult and highly emotional task.
There is no perfect way to tell a child about divorce but having an honest conversation is extremely important. Many parents understandably wish to avoid this discussion, but avoidance is not a practical option. Children quickly sense that something is wrong when a divorce is pending, and they need parental love and reassurance within a reasonable period.
How to initiate a talk with your child will depend on several factors, including the child's age, the immediate circumstance (e.g., Will a separation precede the divorce and immediately change the household?), and the level of cooperation between the parents.
There is no easy way to tell a child about a divorce, but parents can follow some important guidelines in an effort to make this talk less difficult for their child. First, it is important that both parents present a united front in discussing the divorce and agree on what details will be disclosed to their child. For example, it is reasonable to tell a child that one or both parents are unhappy living together or that they are having problems they cannot fix. It is unnecessary, in contrast, to tell a child that one parent had an affair or to disclose other intimate details of the parent's marital problems.
Second, it is important to control your emotions so you can focus on the child's feelings, and respond with empathy, love and reassurance. Third, both parents need to avoid arguing or blaming their spouse for the divorce in front of their children. And finally, children can be reassured by learning how the divorce will affect their lives and, in particular, what their future contact will be with each parent.
What else is important to tell a child?
* Reassure the child that both parents love him/her and that s/he will continue to see both parents often.
* Avoid sharing details of the marriage that the child does not understand or need to know (e.g., one parent was unfaithful).
* Expect that a child will need time to digest the initial discussion before s/he asks questions. Encourage a child to ask questions whenever s/he is ready but do not force a discussion if the child does not appear interested or prepared to talk.
* Tell the child about future plans, if this is known. For example, tell the child where each parent will live and when the child will live with each parent; where the child will go to school (if school age), and when one (or both) parent(s) will move out of the house.
While divorce is difficult for the adults involved, it can create inordinate worry and anxiety for their children. Parental love and reassurance are essential to help children minimize or avoid the negative impact of this major change in their lives, and talking about an impending divorce is a critical step in this direction.
Reference: http://drswerdlow-freed.com/therapyarticle18.html
When parents decide to divorce, they face the dilemma of what and when to tell their children about this life-changing event. And, regardless of the reasons for divorce, telling children is often a very difficult and highly emotional task.
There is no perfect way to tell a child about divorce but having an honest conversation is extremely important. Many parents understandably wish to avoid this discussion, but avoidance is not a practical option. Children quickly sense that something is wrong when a divorce is pending, and they need parental love and reassurance within a reasonable period.
How to initiate a talk with your child will depend on several factors, including the child's age, the immediate circumstance (e.g., Will a separation precede the divorce and immediately change the household?), and the level of cooperation between the parents.
There is no easy way to tell a child about a divorce, but parents can follow some important guidelines in an effort to make this talk less difficult for their child. First, it is important that both parents present a united front in discussing the divorce and agree on what details will be disclosed to their child. For example, it is reasonable to tell a child that one or both parents are unhappy living together or that they are having problems they cannot fix. It is unnecessary, in contrast, to tell a child that one parent had an affair or to disclose other intimate details of the parent's marital problems.
Second, it is important to control your emotions so you can focus on the child's feelings, and respond with empathy, love and reassurance. Third, both parents need to avoid arguing or blaming their spouse for the divorce in front of their children. And finally, children can be reassured by learning how the divorce will affect their lives and, in particular, what their future contact will be with each parent.
What else is important to tell a child?
* Reassure the child that both parents love him/her and that s/he will continue to see both parents often.
* Avoid sharing details of the marriage that the child does not understand or need to know (e.g., one parent was unfaithful).
* Expect that a child will need time to digest the initial discussion before s/he asks questions. Encourage a child to ask questions whenever s/he is ready but do not force a discussion if the child does not appear interested or prepared to talk.
* Tell the child about future plans, if this is known. For example, tell the child where each parent will live and when the child will live with each parent; where the child will go to school (if school age), and when one (or both) parent(s) will move out of the house.
While divorce is difficult for the adults involved, it can create inordinate worry and anxiety for their children. Parental love and reassurance are essential to help children minimize or avoid the negative impact of this major change in their lives, and talking about an impending divorce is a critical step in this direction.
Reference: http://drswerdlow-freed.com/therapyarticle18.html
Treatment Of Children During Divorce
by Irene M. Swerdlow-Freed, Psy.D.
Divorce is an emotionally traumatic experience that undermines children's feelings of safety, security and stability. As professionals working with children, we attempt to minimize the negative effects of divorce. We work directly with children to resolve their distress and improve their coping skills. Additionally, we assist parents to decrease the hostility and conflict to which children are exposed.
There are three basic goals to achieve when working with children who have experienced a parental divorce: the first is to provide the child or adolescent the opportunity to discuss thoughts and feelings and to communicate their concerns; the second is to normalize divorce as a common occurrence that is experienced by other children; and the third is to assist the children in developing an appropriate understanding of their position in the process of divorce.
Communication often breaks down in a family as parents try to protect children by not involving them directly in discussions about the divorce. Children, however, are painfully aware of the break up of the family. They frequently have questions, concerns, fears, and wishes as they proceed through the divorce process. Younger children, for example, are easily confused by words that get tossed around by their parents. They may not know what a divorce is or may fear the "judge" who they heard is going to make one parent leave the house. A basic discussion of what a divorce involves and how it proceeds can greatly reduce a child's fears and make a scary situation more tolerable.
Older children and adolescents typically understand what it means that their parents are divorcing. However, they may be reluctant to voice opinions about parenting time, and state a preference for how they would like their lives to be organized. In particular, children tend to be concerned that expressing feelings and preferences might result in one of two unwanted outcomes: reduced contact with the non-custodial parent or decreased nurturing and support from the custodial parent.
In addition to allowing children to communicate concerns, it is important to normalize their situation. It is useful for children to understand that divorce is a common occurrence and that the myriad of feelings they are experiencing is normal. It can be quite helpful to discuss ways that other children have coped with similar situations, realistically anticipating common problems, while also conveying a sense of hope and knowledge that children survive family breakups and go on to have enjoyable, satisfying lives.
A third focus with children involves identifying their role within, and their beliefs about, the parent's divorce. It is an all too common misperception among children that they are to blame for their parent's breakup. Additionally, children frequently harbor other unrealistic ideas, including that they are responsible for resolving parental conflicts, that they have the power or ability to reunite their parents, or that they are responsible for caring for a parent if reconciliation is not possible. These distorted beliefs can lead to a disruption in development, as is seen in children who take on the role of care taker or parental confidant. In other situations, children misbehave in the hope that their parents will come together to solve their problem and will remain together as a family.
In addition to working directly with children, another means of addressing divorce related problems involves helping the adult adjust to the realities of becoming a single parent. As with children, parents need time to discuss their painful feelings and to learn techniques that can reduce conflict with former spouses. It is important for newly divorced parents to disengage emotionally from one another in order to make new lives, to move beyond their anger and hostility and to focus on their child's needs.
As parents emotionally disengage from one another, treatment can focus on developing a co-parenting relationship. In co-parenting, the child's needs become primary. For example, parents are encouraged to acknowledge a child's right to love and be with the other parent without interference.
A vital part of co-parenting is the development of a parenting plan. These plans are designed to minimize hostile contact between parents and to anticipate difficulties. In this way, parents can become proactive instead of reactive. Parenting plans are best established in writing and address, for example, how parents will communicate (i.e., e-mail or through journals), how children will transition between households (at public places), and how the child's possessions will be handled (i.e., brought back and forth or remain in one household). Good parenting plans also include a means of dispute resolution, such as resolving problems by meeting with a therapist or guardian ad litem.
Although divorce is a common occurrence in today's families, the means of establishing a functional binuclear family is not always evident to newly divorced parents. Newly divorced families are in transition and often need guidance and direction. It is important that professionals provide the necessary direction to decrease parental conflict and to enable children to cope with their new circumstances.
To successfully complete the process of divorce there must be resolution of parental conflict, disengagement of children from parental disputes, and the establishment of a primary focus on the children's needs. Our role as psychologists is to assess the needs of family members in the divorce process, to offer support, guidance and direction where it is needed and to facilitate the development of stable, satisfying and functional post-divorce relationships.
Reference: http://drswerdlow-freed.com/therapyarticle14.html
Divorce is an emotionally traumatic experience that undermines children's feelings of safety, security and stability. As professionals working with children, we attempt to minimize the negative effects of divorce. We work directly with children to resolve their distress and improve their coping skills. Additionally, we assist parents to decrease the hostility and conflict to which children are exposed.
There are three basic goals to achieve when working with children who have experienced a parental divorce: the first is to provide the child or adolescent the opportunity to discuss thoughts and feelings and to communicate their concerns; the second is to normalize divorce as a common occurrence that is experienced by other children; and the third is to assist the children in developing an appropriate understanding of their position in the process of divorce.
Communication often breaks down in a family as parents try to protect children by not involving them directly in discussions about the divorce. Children, however, are painfully aware of the break up of the family. They frequently have questions, concerns, fears, and wishes as they proceed through the divorce process. Younger children, for example, are easily confused by words that get tossed around by their parents. They may not know what a divorce is or may fear the "judge" who they heard is going to make one parent leave the house. A basic discussion of what a divorce involves and how it proceeds can greatly reduce a child's fears and make a scary situation more tolerable.
Older children and adolescents typically understand what it means that their parents are divorcing. However, they may be reluctant to voice opinions about parenting time, and state a preference for how they would like their lives to be organized. In particular, children tend to be concerned that expressing feelings and preferences might result in one of two unwanted outcomes: reduced contact with the non-custodial parent or decreased nurturing and support from the custodial parent.
In addition to allowing children to communicate concerns, it is important to normalize their situation. It is useful for children to understand that divorce is a common occurrence and that the myriad of feelings they are experiencing is normal. It can be quite helpful to discuss ways that other children have coped with similar situations, realistically anticipating common problems, while also conveying a sense of hope and knowledge that children survive family breakups and go on to have enjoyable, satisfying lives.
A third focus with children involves identifying their role within, and their beliefs about, the parent's divorce. It is an all too common misperception among children that they are to blame for their parent's breakup. Additionally, children frequently harbor other unrealistic ideas, including that they are responsible for resolving parental conflicts, that they have the power or ability to reunite their parents, or that they are responsible for caring for a parent if reconciliation is not possible. These distorted beliefs can lead to a disruption in development, as is seen in children who take on the role of care taker or parental confidant. In other situations, children misbehave in the hope that their parents will come together to solve their problem and will remain together as a family.
In addition to working directly with children, another means of addressing divorce related problems involves helping the adult adjust to the realities of becoming a single parent. As with children, parents need time to discuss their painful feelings and to learn techniques that can reduce conflict with former spouses. It is important for newly divorced parents to disengage emotionally from one another in order to make new lives, to move beyond their anger and hostility and to focus on their child's needs.
As parents emotionally disengage from one another, treatment can focus on developing a co-parenting relationship. In co-parenting, the child's needs become primary. For example, parents are encouraged to acknowledge a child's right to love and be with the other parent without interference.
A vital part of co-parenting is the development of a parenting plan. These plans are designed to minimize hostile contact between parents and to anticipate difficulties. In this way, parents can become proactive instead of reactive. Parenting plans are best established in writing and address, for example, how parents will communicate (i.e., e-mail or through journals), how children will transition between households (at public places), and how the child's possessions will be handled (i.e., brought back and forth or remain in one household). Good parenting plans also include a means of dispute resolution, such as resolving problems by meeting with a therapist or guardian ad litem.
Although divorce is a common occurrence in today's families, the means of establishing a functional binuclear family is not always evident to newly divorced parents. Newly divorced families are in transition and often need guidance and direction. It is important that professionals provide the necessary direction to decrease parental conflict and to enable children to cope with their new circumstances.
To successfully complete the process of divorce there must be resolution of parental conflict, disengagement of children from parental disputes, and the establishment of a primary focus on the children's needs. Our role as psychologists is to assess the needs of family members in the divorce process, to offer support, guidance and direction where it is needed and to facilitate the development of stable, satisfying and functional post-divorce relationships.
Reference: http://drswerdlow-freed.com/therapyarticle14.html
Helping Children cope With Advice - II
by Irene M. Swerdlow-Freed, Psy.D.
The impact of divorce on children can be profound and is likely to affect all aspects of their lives. Ultimately, one parent leaves the family's home and, in most circumstances, has reduced contact with the child. The family home may be sold, requiring the child to leave friends, move from familiar surroundings and change schools. Contact with extended family members may become less frequent, or even discontinued altogether.
These are only some of the difficult changes that divorce may entail for a child. The ability of each parent to support the child and protect him/her from the adverse consequences of family disruption will greatly influence the child's short and long-term adjustment. Every parent we work with expresses concern about how divorce will affect his/her child, and seeks advice about steps to take to lessen its potentially adverse impact. There are numerous constructive actions parents can take to protect children from the conflicts inherent in divorce, and some of these are discussed below.
Concerned parents can take positive actions to protect a child from the anger, bitterness and hostility that spouses often experience during and after divorce. While it is normal that both parents will experience a variety of negative feelings during this time, children should be protected, as much as possible, from exposure to these intense emotions. It is very important that anger toward or complaints about one's spouse should never be expressed when the child is close-by. Exposure to disparaging comments about one's parent may cause a child to question the negated parent's love, commitment and care and potentially undermine their emotional attachment. Also, antagonistic comments may cause a child to feel that s/he has to pick sides in the conflict, and this may cause damage to the child's relationship with one or both parents.
If a parent needs to vent negative, angry feelings, it is advisable to do so with a trusted friend, relative or therapist: someone who can help process these emotions in a way that provides relief to the parent while simultaneously protecting the child. The best way to protect a child is to ensure that venting does not occur when the child is nearby and may overhear what the parent is saying.
Sometimes parents feel they cannot speak to their spouse, either because they become too upset or because they perceive their spouse as unapproachable. In such situations, they may want to send messages through their child. Such a tactic places the child directly in the middle of the parental conflict, and into a situation over which the child has no real control or influence. Thus, directing a child to, "Tell your father to pay the mortgage or we're going to end up living on the street," or "Tell your mother if she doesn't let me take you on vacation, the judge will throw her in jail," places the child in an untenable situation. Such directives are likely to cause a child to feel helpless, vulnerable and confused. They also change the nature of the parent-child relationship to one where the parent is using the child instead of protecting the child from unnecessary pressure and emotional harm.
If face-to-face contact is too difficult, other means of communication can be employed, such as letters or email, leaving phone messages, or using a journal to exchange crucial information. Letters and emails can be sent at the writer's convenience, and a journal can be exchanged at transition time. These procedures permit direct communication without the necessity of personal contact, and they protect the child from becoming a messenger.
During divorce and afterward, decisions about how to create and maintain a parenting time schedule need to be addressed and resolved. Under ideal circumstances, routine schedules are negotiated, in advance, between the parents, and each parent follows this calendar. As unexpected situations arise, parents may need to negotiate modifications to the routine schedule, as well. Some parents may be tempted to involve their child in these discussions, but clinical experience reveals that children often become anxious when faced with the responsibility inherent in such a decision. A child is especially likely to feel anxious, tense and worried when the parents are unable to agree on a schedule change and are asking the child to make this critical decision.
From the child's perspective, this decision creates a loyalty conflict because choosing to spend time with one parent requires the concurrent choice not to spend time with the other parent. During and after divorce, a child wants to protect the relationship with both parents, and should not be required to risk hurting one parent's feelings by acknowledging the desire to spend time with the other parent. A child who has enjoyed good relationships with both parents during the marriage will be relieved by not having to deal with this burden. Mothers and fathers best protect their child by arranging the routine schedule and any subsequent modifications without involving the child in those discussions.
Depending on age, temperament, and other factors, some children have difficulty transitioning smoothly from one household to the other. As many parents have experienced, their child may whine and protest or have a temper tantrum when it is time to separate from one parent and reunite with the other parent. In some cases, transitions may proceed smoothly but a child may sleep poorly, have less appetite or be withdrawn at one parent's residence, or may long for the absent parent. Depending on the parent's relationship, each may be tempted to blame the other for these problems, and may conclude that it is the other parent's influence upon the child that is causing this abnormal behavior. While there are circumstances where a child's contact with one parent may be unhealthy or detrimental, transition difficulties are not in and of themselves necessarily proof of such difficulty.
A problem transitioning from one parent to the other can occur, especially among infants, toddlers and children with reactive dispositions, for a variety of reasons. Some children may have difficulty making this adjustment because they sense that a high level of tension exists between the parents. Thus, when the child is with either parent alone, the child is fine. However, when the child is in the presence of both parents and tension erupts, overtly or covertly, the child becomes distressed and each parent blames the other for the child's adverse reaction.
Children are helped with transitions by being properly prepared in advance. For example, they should be told ahead of time that they would soon be going with the other parent. Allowing toddlers and young child to take a favorite toy, blanket or other prized possession also can facilitate a smooth transition. Perhaps even more important is the ability of both parents to resolve to control their emotions and make it a point not to bring up an issue that is likely to stimulate discord while their child is present.
When parents divorce they understandably worry about its adverse effect on a child. Parents can protect their child by being careful about how they express their own feelings, by not making derogatory comments about the other parent in the child's presence, and by ensuring that a child is not asked to make decisions that are within the parent's purview. Taking these steps can reduce the adverse effect divorce has and promote the child's adjustment to this painful life experience.
Reference: http://drswerdlow-freed.com/therapyarticle16.html
The impact of divorce on children can be profound and is likely to affect all aspects of their lives. Ultimately, one parent leaves the family's home and, in most circumstances, has reduced contact with the child. The family home may be sold, requiring the child to leave friends, move from familiar surroundings and change schools. Contact with extended family members may become less frequent, or even discontinued altogether.
These are only some of the difficult changes that divorce may entail for a child. The ability of each parent to support the child and protect him/her from the adverse consequences of family disruption will greatly influence the child's short and long-term adjustment. Every parent we work with expresses concern about how divorce will affect his/her child, and seeks advice about steps to take to lessen its potentially adverse impact. There are numerous constructive actions parents can take to protect children from the conflicts inherent in divorce, and some of these are discussed below.
Concerned parents can take positive actions to protect a child from the anger, bitterness and hostility that spouses often experience during and after divorce. While it is normal that both parents will experience a variety of negative feelings during this time, children should be protected, as much as possible, from exposure to these intense emotions. It is very important that anger toward or complaints about one's spouse should never be expressed when the child is close-by. Exposure to disparaging comments about one's parent may cause a child to question the negated parent's love, commitment and care and potentially undermine their emotional attachment. Also, antagonistic comments may cause a child to feel that s/he has to pick sides in the conflict, and this may cause damage to the child's relationship with one or both parents.
If a parent needs to vent negative, angry feelings, it is advisable to do so with a trusted friend, relative or therapist: someone who can help process these emotions in a way that provides relief to the parent while simultaneously protecting the child. The best way to protect a child is to ensure that venting does not occur when the child is nearby and may overhear what the parent is saying.
Sometimes parents feel they cannot speak to their spouse, either because they become too upset or because they perceive their spouse as unapproachable. In such situations, they may want to send messages through their child. Such a tactic places the child directly in the middle of the parental conflict, and into a situation over which the child has no real control or influence. Thus, directing a child to, "Tell your father to pay the mortgage or we're going to end up living on the street," or "Tell your mother if she doesn't let me take you on vacation, the judge will throw her in jail," places the child in an untenable situation. Such directives are likely to cause a child to feel helpless, vulnerable and confused. They also change the nature of the parent-child relationship to one where the parent is using the child instead of protecting the child from unnecessary pressure and emotional harm.
If face-to-face contact is too difficult, other means of communication can be employed, such as letters or email, leaving phone messages, or using a journal to exchange crucial information. Letters and emails can be sent at the writer's convenience, and a journal can be exchanged at transition time. These procedures permit direct communication without the necessity of personal contact, and they protect the child from becoming a messenger.
During divorce and afterward, decisions about how to create and maintain a parenting time schedule need to be addressed and resolved. Under ideal circumstances, routine schedules are negotiated, in advance, between the parents, and each parent follows this calendar. As unexpected situations arise, parents may need to negotiate modifications to the routine schedule, as well. Some parents may be tempted to involve their child in these discussions, but clinical experience reveals that children often become anxious when faced with the responsibility inherent in such a decision. A child is especially likely to feel anxious, tense and worried when the parents are unable to agree on a schedule change and are asking the child to make this critical decision.
From the child's perspective, this decision creates a loyalty conflict because choosing to spend time with one parent requires the concurrent choice not to spend time with the other parent. During and after divorce, a child wants to protect the relationship with both parents, and should not be required to risk hurting one parent's feelings by acknowledging the desire to spend time with the other parent. A child who has enjoyed good relationships with both parents during the marriage will be relieved by not having to deal with this burden. Mothers and fathers best protect their child by arranging the routine schedule and any subsequent modifications without involving the child in those discussions.
Depending on age, temperament, and other factors, some children have difficulty transitioning smoothly from one household to the other. As many parents have experienced, their child may whine and protest or have a temper tantrum when it is time to separate from one parent and reunite with the other parent. In some cases, transitions may proceed smoothly but a child may sleep poorly, have less appetite or be withdrawn at one parent's residence, or may long for the absent parent. Depending on the parent's relationship, each may be tempted to blame the other for these problems, and may conclude that it is the other parent's influence upon the child that is causing this abnormal behavior. While there are circumstances where a child's contact with one parent may be unhealthy or detrimental, transition difficulties are not in and of themselves necessarily proof of such difficulty.
A problem transitioning from one parent to the other can occur, especially among infants, toddlers and children with reactive dispositions, for a variety of reasons. Some children may have difficulty making this adjustment because they sense that a high level of tension exists between the parents. Thus, when the child is with either parent alone, the child is fine. However, when the child is in the presence of both parents and tension erupts, overtly or covertly, the child becomes distressed and each parent blames the other for the child's adverse reaction.
Children are helped with transitions by being properly prepared in advance. For example, they should be told ahead of time that they would soon be going with the other parent. Allowing toddlers and young child to take a favorite toy, blanket or other prized possession also can facilitate a smooth transition. Perhaps even more important is the ability of both parents to resolve to control their emotions and make it a point not to bring up an issue that is likely to stimulate discord while their child is present.
When parents divorce they understandably worry about its adverse effect on a child. Parents can protect their child by being careful about how they express their own feelings, by not making derogatory comments about the other parent in the child's presence, and by ensuring that a child is not asked to make decisions that are within the parent's purview. Taking these steps can reduce the adverse effect divorce has and promote the child's adjustment to this painful life experience.
Reference: http://drswerdlow-freed.com/therapyarticle16.html
Helping Children cope With Advice - I
by Irene M. Swerdlow-Freed, Psy.D.
The United States has the highest divorce rate among Western nations. It is predicted that 50% of all American children will experience a parental divorce. Divorce can have serious psychological consequences for children and, for some children, it is even more devastating than the death of a parent.
Divorce is not a simple, isolated event, but an ongoing process that exacts change in the psychological, social and economic life of children. Divorce often begins with an acute disruption involving intense emotion and high conflict between parents. This stage often lasts for about one year after the divorce has been finalized. The next stage is one of transition in which the initial upheaval has diminished and family members reorganize, developing new routines and patterns. The final stage of adjustment is reached when the post-divorce family establishes a stable home and lifestyle.
In order for children to adjust successfully to their parent's divorce, the reality of the breakup needs to be acknowledged, parental conflict needs to be effectively resolved and new supports need to be established.
Research indicates that many factors influence a child's post-divorce adjustment including temperament, age, gender, access to the non-custodial parent, the emotional availability of both parents, and the stability of the post-divorce home environment. The single most critical factor, however, is the level of post-divorce parental conflict. Study after study has found that the more intense, pervasive and openly hostile the conflict between the parents, the greater the psychological damage to the children.
Children of divorce need permission to love both parents and to be loved by both parents. Chronic arguing frequently places children in the middle of their parent's disputes and interrupts many of the normative psychological tasks of development. Moreover, such conflict alters parent-child relationships because the needs of the parent assume dominance over the needs of the child. When this occurs, security gives way to anxiety and the child's sense of well-being dissolves into feelings of helplessness and hopelessness.
While each child reacts to parental divorce in a unique way, in our practice, we advise parents to look for some typical signs of emotional upset. These include abrupt changes in personality, such as an active child becoming withdrawn or a quiet child becoming aggressive. Younger children often will exhibit regressive behavior, such as when toilet trained children soil or wet their pants or when children return to thumb sucking or blanket holding for security. Some children become depressed in the face of parental divorce and experience nightmares or other sleep or appetite disturbances. Emotional reactions of a more serious nature include intense anger, thoughts or threats of suicide, cruelty to animals or fighting with other children.
A child's age will also affect his/her reaction to divorce. Children under the age of five years are usually too young to understand the content or context of parental conflict. Children of this age are, however, extremely sensitive to parental tension and angry voices. When young children witness their parents yell and argue, it can create a fear that the people who keep them safe, who protect them, are out of control. This, in turn, creates fear, insecurity and helplessness. In the face of these emotions, young children respond by crying and clinging to parents for reassurance. In more severe cases, the young child may develop a sleep disturbance, experience nightmares, have temper outbursts, and exhibit confused behavior.
Five- and six-year-old children are able to formulate very simplistic understandings of the content of arguments. They are not, however, cognitively sophisticated enough to realize that they are not the cause of their parents' disputes. Children of this age struggle to make sense out of their lives and often tend to blame themselves for their parent's divorce. These children also become very concerned about whether their basic needs will be met and they often work desperately to make their parents stop fighting in order to enhance their own feelings of safety and security. When unable to resolve parental disputes, children of this age will often begin to experience self-doubt and develop distrust of the adult world.
Seven- to nine-year-old children tend to involve themselves in parental conflict by taking sides with one parent against the other or by attempting to maintain simultaneous alliance with each parent. Children of this age often experience strong feelings of sadness, loss, rejection, and guilt in response to parental divorce. Their emotional upset often is exhibited through tense, anxious behavior, difficulty concentrating, somatic complaints, and crankiness.
Nine to twelve year olds are better able to understand the content of parental conflict. While their understanding is likely to be incomplete and flawed, they are still inclined to make judgments regarding who is responsible for the marital problems and to blame that parent for disrupting their lives. These children tend to feel alone and frightened when their parents divorce. Peers play an increasingly important role in their lives and they are apt to feel embarrassed when their parents divorce, because it makes them feel different from their peers. These children are particularly threatened by the possibility of losing friends and changing schools. They may express emotional upset by opposing parental expectations and behaving defiantly.
For adolescents the major developmental task involves separating from one's parents and establishing an individual, unique identity for one's self. Divorce interferes with this process if the teenager either is pulled back into the family to provide support or is abruptly pushed to separate from either parent. Adolescents are keenly sensitive to the attention they receive and are quick to resent what feels like a lack of attention. They also make stronger judgments about parental behaviors and display a lack of respect when a parent fails to live up to their idealized standards. In these circumstances, teenagers sometimes pull away from their parents when the parents do not live up to the youth's expectations. Pulling away typically involves rejecting parental guidance, advice or support.
Children of all ages have questions, concerns, fears, and desires that they experience during and after the divorce process. In working with these children, we support their adjustment by providing a safe and accepting environment where they can discuss their private thoughts and feelings, particularly those they may feel uncomfortable sharing with their parents. In addition, we attempt to normalize their situation by helping them accept their feelings and by relating how other children have coped in similar circumstances.
We also work with parents to help them stabilize their children's environment. Among the most important steps parents can take involves resolving the hostility and conflict with their ex-spouse.
Finally, when working with children from divorced families, we endeavor to convey a sense of hope and optimism that their lives will improve as their sadness becomes less painful, while realistically discussing the problems they may encounter in the future.
Reference: http://drswerdlow-freed.com/therapyarticle4.html
The United States has the highest divorce rate among Western nations. It is predicted that 50% of all American children will experience a parental divorce. Divorce can have serious psychological consequences for children and, for some children, it is even more devastating than the death of a parent.
Divorce is not a simple, isolated event, but an ongoing process that exacts change in the psychological, social and economic life of children. Divorce often begins with an acute disruption involving intense emotion and high conflict between parents. This stage often lasts for about one year after the divorce has been finalized. The next stage is one of transition in which the initial upheaval has diminished and family members reorganize, developing new routines and patterns. The final stage of adjustment is reached when the post-divorce family establishes a stable home and lifestyle.
In order for children to adjust successfully to their parent's divorce, the reality of the breakup needs to be acknowledged, parental conflict needs to be effectively resolved and new supports need to be established.
Research indicates that many factors influence a child's post-divorce adjustment including temperament, age, gender, access to the non-custodial parent, the emotional availability of both parents, and the stability of the post-divorce home environment. The single most critical factor, however, is the level of post-divorce parental conflict. Study after study has found that the more intense, pervasive and openly hostile the conflict between the parents, the greater the psychological damage to the children.
Children of divorce need permission to love both parents and to be loved by both parents. Chronic arguing frequently places children in the middle of their parent's disputes and interrupts many of the normative psychological tasks of development. Moreover, such conflict alters parent-child relationships because the needs of the parent assume dominance over the needs of the child. When this occurs, security gives way to anxiety and the child's sense of well-being dissolves into feelings of helplessness and hopelessness.
While each child reacts to parental divorce in a unique way, in our practice, we advise parents to look for some typical signs of emotional upset. These include abrupt changes in personality, such as an active child becoming withdrawn or a quiet child becoming aggressive. Younger children often will exhibit regressive behavior, such as when toilet trained children soil or wet their pants or when children return to thumb sucking or blanket holding for security. Some children become depressed in the face of parental divorce and experience nightmares or other sleep or appetite disturbances. Emotional reactions of a more serious nature include intense anger, thoughts or threats of suicide, cruelty to animals or fighting with other children.
A child's age will also affect his/her reaction to divorce. Children under the age of five years are usually too young to understand the content or context of parental conflict. Children of this age are, however, extremely sensitive to parental tension and angry voices. When young children witness their parents yell and argue, it can create a fear that the people who keep them safe, who protect them, are out of control. This, in turn, creates fear, insecurity and helplessness. In the face of these emotions, young children respond by crying and clinging to parents for reassurance. In more severe cases, the young child may develop a sleep disturbance, experience nightmares, have temper outbursts, and exhibit confused behavior.
Five- and six-year-old children are able to formulate very simplistic understandings of the content of arguments. They are not, however, cognitively sophisticated enough to realize that they are not the cause of their parents' disputes. Children of this age struggle to make sense out of their lives and often tend to blame themselves for their parent's divorce. These children also become very concerned about whether their basic needs will be met and they often work desperately to make their parents stop fighting in order to enhance their own feelings of safety and security. When unable to resolve parental disputes, children of this age will often begin to experience self-doubt and develop distrust of the adult world.
Seven- to nine-year-old children tend to involve themselves in parental conflict by taking sides with one parent against the other or by attempting to maintain simultaneous alliance with each parent. Children of this age often experience strong feelings of sadness, loss, rejection, and guilt in response to parental divorce. Their emotional upset often is exhibited through tense, anxious behavior, difficulty concentrating, somatic complaints, and crankiness.
Nine to twelve year olds are better able to understand the content of parental conflict. While their understanding is likely to be incomplete and flawed, they are still inclined to make judgments regarding who is responsible for the marital problems and to blame that parent for disrupting their lives. These children tend to feel alone and frightened when their parents divorce. Peers play an increasingly important role in their lives and they are apt to feel embarrassed when their parents divorce, because it makes them feel different from their peers. These children are particularly threatened by the possibility of losing friends and changing schools. They may express emotional upset by opposing parental expectations and behaving defiantly.
For adolescents the major developmental task involves separating from one's parents and establishing an individual, unique identity for one's self. Divorce interferes with this process if the teenager either is pulled back into the family to provide support or is abruptly pushed to separate from either parent. Adolescents are keenly sensitive to the attention they receive and are quick to resent what feels like a lack of attention. They also make stronger judgments about parental behaviors and display a lack of respect when a parent fails to live up to their idealized standards. In these circumstances, teenagers sometimes pull away from their parents when the parents do not live up to the youth's expectations. Pulling away typically involves rejecting parental guidance, advice or support.
Children of all ages have questions, concerns, fears, and desires that they experience during and after the divorce process. In working with these children, we support their adjustment by providing a safe and accepting environment where they can discuss their private thoughts and feelings, particularly those they may feel uncomfortable sharing with their parents. In addition, we attempt to normalize their situation by helping them accept their feelings and by relating how other children have coped in similar circumstances.
We also work with parents to help them stabilize their children's environment. Among the most important steps parents can take involves resolving the hostility and conflict with their ex-spouse.
Finally, when working with children from divorced families, we endeavor to convey a sense of hope and optimism that their lives will improve as their sadness becomes less painful, while realistically discussing the problems they may encounter in the future.
Reference: http://drswerdlow-freed.com/therapyarticle4.html
Helping Your Yound Child Grow
The early years of child development present serious questions and challenges for all parents. While a wide range of generalized and sometimes contradictory advice is available from books, newspaper articles, radio, and television, none of it effectively addresses the concerns of caring parents seeking information specific to the needs of their own children.
We have found that a few sessions with parents can be particularly helpful in addressing their specific concerns and assisting them in identifying effective and appropriate choices that can help their child and their life together as a family unit.
Parents may consult with us at the suggestion of a pediatrician who recognizes that they and their child are experiencing a high level of stress. Or parents may be referred by a daycare center due to the child's frequent crying, or aggressive or inappropriate behaviors. Often parents seek consultation on their own, as they wonder if their child is developing normally and how best to meet his/her intellectual, emotional, social or physical needs.
In these consultation sessions we provide information regarding normal phases of childhood development, assess the child's personality and temperament and help parents develop a parenting style and daily routines that best meet their child's needs. Parents understandably feel anxious when their child does not seem to be developing in accordance with their expectations. They may notice that a sibling or a friend's child developed certain abilities at an earlier age, or that their child appears very capable in some areas of development but behind in others. In the consultation sessions, we are able to assess developmental concerns and provide realistic expectations of developmental milestones, i.e. when a child would normally begin to talk, walk, become toilet trained, or share with other children.
Children do not develop at the same pace and usually the referred child's development is within the normal range. However, if deficits are noted, it is important that the child receive proper intervention as early as possible. We can help a parent learn how to facilitate their child's growth in areas where they have fallen behind or if warranted, work with the parent to procure needed assistance. As an example, if a child is unusually aggressive, we may be able to identify the causes for this behavior and suggest ways to distract the child or generate alternate responses. However, if the aggressive behavior appears to be related to the child's significantly delayed verbal language ability a referral for a hearing/speech evaluation and remedial services would be essential.
In addition to offering information regarding normal child development and available resources, we meet directly with the child to assess his/her personality and temperament. We gather historical and observational information and we seek to determine how the child interacts with parents, siblings and others. Is the child active or quiet? Is the child open to new experiences, or slow to warm up to other people and new situations? Is the child easily agitated or easily soothed?
Differences in temperament can be observed in very young infants, and a child's personality is a starting point that often sets a tone for the child-parent relationship. A parent's own temperament also impacts on that relationship and the fit between parent and child can greatly affect family interactions. For example, an active child may thrive on the numerous activities scheduled by an always-on-the-go parent, while a slow to warm up child is likely to resist by crying and withdrawing from the new experiences, confusing and frustrating the parent.
Every child and every family is different, and parenting information is most helpful when it is designed for a particular individual and family unit. Parents get advice from everyone, the media, neighbors, family members, daycare providers, and even strangers. Some of this information may be helpful, but often it may leave a parent feeling perplexed.
In our work with young children, we address specific areas of concern, identify the child's strengths, weaknesses and temperamental needs, reinforce effective parent-child interaction and reduce conflict within the family unit. We assist in designing activities and schedules that satisfy and challenge the child rather than trying the patience of child and parents alike. Our aim is to help each mother and father to be the best possible parent and help each child develop into a productive and fulfilled individual.
Reference: http://drswerdlow-freed.com/therapyarticle6.html
We have found that a few sessions with parents can be particularly helpful in addressing their specific concerns and assisting them in identifying effective and appropriate choices that can help their child and their life together as a family unit.
Parents may consult with us at the suggestion of a pediatrician who recognizes that they and their child are experiencing a high level of stress. Or parents may be referred by a daycare center due to the child's frequent crying, or aggressive or inappropriate behaviors. Often parents seek consultation on their own, as they wonder if their child is developing normally and how best to meet his/her intellectual, emotional, social or physical needs.
In these consultation sessions we provide information regarding normal phases of childhood development, assess the child's personality and temperament and help parents develop a parenting style and daily routines that best meet their child's needs. Parents understandably feel anxious when their child does not seem to be developing in accordance with their expectations. They may notice that a sibling or a friend's child developed certain abilities at an earlier age, or that their child appears very capable in some areas of development but behind in others. In the consultation sessions, we are able to assess developmental concerns and provide realistic expectations of developmental milestones, i.e. when a child would normally begin to talk, walk, become toilet trained, or share with other children.
Children do not develop at the same pace and usually the referred child's development is within the normal range. However, if deficits are noted, it is important that the child receive proper intervention as early as possible. We can help a parent learn how to facilitate their child's growth in areas where they have fallen behind or if warranted, work with the parent to procure needed assistance. As an example, if a child is unusually aggressive, we may be able to identify the causes for this behavior and suggest ways to distract the child or generate alternate responses. However, if the aggressive behavior appears to be related to the child's significantly delayed verbal language ability a referral for a hearing/speech evaluation and remedial services would be essential.
In addition to offering information regarding normal child development and available resources, we meet directly with the child to assess his/her personality and temperament. We gather historical and observational information and we seek to determine how the child interacts with parents, siblings and others. Is the child active or quiet? Is the child open to new experiences, or slow to warm up to other people and new situations? Is the child easily agitated or easily soothed?
Differences in temperament can be observed in very young infants, and a child's personality is a starting point that often sets a tone for the child-parent relationship. A parent's own temperament also impacts on that relationship and the fit between parent and child can greatly affect family interactions. For example, an active child may thrive on the numerous activities scheduled by an always-on-the-go parent, while a slow to warm up child is likely to resist by crying and withdrawing from the new experiences, confusing and frustrating the parent.
Every child and every family is different, and parenting information is most helpful when it is designed for a particular individual and family unit. Parents get advice from everyone, the media, neighbors, family members, daycare providers, and even strangers. Some of this information may be helpful, but often it may leave a parent feeling perplexed.
In our work with young children, we address specific areas of concern, identify the child's strengths, weaknesses and temperamental needs, reinforce effective parent-child interaction and reduce conflict within the family unit. We assist in designing activities and schedules that satisfy and challenge the child rather than trying the patience of child and parents alike. Our aim is to help each mother and father to be the best possible parent and help each child develop into a productive and fulfilled individual.
Reference: http://drswerdlow-freed.com/therapyarticle6.html
Improving Your Child's Self Esteem
by Irene M. Swerdlow-Freed, Psy.D.
It is common to hear that a child's difficulties in school or at home are due to low self-esteem. What exactly is self-esteem? Why is it important? And what skills does a child need to develop positive self-esteem?
Self-esteem is an individual's measure of personal worth and value. It involves a complex system of feelings, beliefs, expectations, and attitudes. Self-esteem affects how the individual interacts with others and influences how he or she copes with routine situations, unexpected circumstances and unforeseen problems.
Positive self-esteem enables a child to deal with new situations, take advantage of new opportunities, confront challenges and develop new skills with confidence and optimism. The child with healthy self-esteem can realistically evaluate and build upon his or her abilities while coping effectively with the mistakes and failures that are an inevitable part of growing up.
In contrast, children who suffer from low self-esteem are apt to underestimate their abilities and their value as human beings. They withdraw from new activities and challenges because they anticipate failure or fear rebuke or embarrassment. Children with low self-esteem often do not feel competent to impact their world in a positive way and, instead, harbor a pessimistic attitude about the future. They often experience a high level of anxiety, difficulty in managing frustration and a propensity to interpret constructive feedback as criticism.
Frequently parents will contact us with concerns about their child's self-esteem after hearing their child, often tearfully, state, "Nobody likes me," or "I'm stupid." Often parents attempt to help their child by refuting the child's perspective with comments such as "That's not true… you're not stupid," or by offering solutions such as "Why don't you try studying harder." However, children with low self-esteem have difficulty altering negative self-perceptions and often refuse to accept their parent's supportive comments and well meaning suggestions.
We begin working with children who possess low self-esteem by exploring their own negative comments and feelings. Understanding the child's negative views is extremely important as they shape and influence the child's basic attitude and approach to life. After the factors underlying the negative self-perceptions are clarified, we begin implementing therapeutic interventions designed to elevate self-esteem, and enhance the child's sense of self-worth and self-value. Typical interventions include teaching the child to confront unwarranted self-criticism and self-disparaging remarks, to use and accept praise for accomplishments, and to develop effective problem solving skills. In addition, we counsel parents regarding how they can supportively respond to their child's successes and failures.
Children with low self-esteem frequently harbor unrealistic expectations of themselves, and set unobtainable goals. To address this situation, we teach children to establish goals that are more realistic and to implement a series of small steps that lead to their overall objective. By proceeding in this fashion, children can practice new problem solving skills and experience success on the way to accomplishing age appropriate goals. Coping and problem solving efforts are acknowledged, while failure is met with reassurance, encouragement and further development of the skills necessary to succeed. We encourage parents to assist and support their child by verbally praising strengths as well as by encouraging the child to persevere, particularly when initial efforts have not been successful.
Change may not come quickly. However, over time, the experience of succeeding at progressively more difficult tasks enhances the child's sense of competence and creates an intrinsic motivation to accept new challenges. The child begins to think more positively about the future, to show more confidence in his or her abilities and to express a more positive sense of self-worth and self-value.
Our behavior as individuals reflects how we view ourselves. Children who feel good about themselves are happier and more productive. Healthy self-esteem is reflected in children's willingness to accept compliments, showing pride in their appearance and accomplishments, behaving responsibly and assertively while setting and achieving appropriate and positive goals.
Reference: http://drswerdlow-freed.com/therapyarticle9.html
It is common to hear that a child's difficulties in school or at home are due to low self-esteem. What exactly is self-esteem? Why is it important? And what skills does a child need to develop positive self-esteem?
Self-esteem is an individual's measure of personal worth and value. It involves a complex system of feelings, beliefs, expectations, and attitudes. Self-esteem affects how the individual interacts with others and influences how he or she copes with routine situations, unexpected circumstances and unforeseen problems.
Positive self-esteem enables a child to deal with new situations, take advantage of new opportunities, confront challenges and develop new skills with confidence and optimism. The child with healthy self-esteem can realistically evaluate and build upon his or her abilities while coping effectively with the mistakes and failures that are an inevitable part of growing up.
In contrast, children who suffer from low self-esteem are apt to underestimate their abilities and their value as human beings. They withdraw from new activities and challenges because they anticipate failure or fear rebuke or embarrassment. Children with low self-esteem often do not feel competent to impact their world in a positive way and, instead, harbor a pessimistic attitude about the future. They often experience a high level of anxiety, difficulty in managing frustration and a propensity to interpret constructive feedback as criticism.
Frequently parents will contact us with concerns about their child's self-esteem after hearing their child, often tearfully, state, "Nobody likes me," or "I'm stupid." Often parents attempt to help their child by refuting the child's perspective with comments such as "That's not true… you're not stupid," or by offering solutions such as "Why don't you try studying harder." However, children with low self-esteem have difficulty altering negative self-perceptions and often refuse to accept their parent's supportive comments and well meaning suggestions.
We begin working with children who possess low self-esteem by exploring their own negative comments and feelings. Understanding the child's negative views is extremely important as they shape and influence the child's basic attitude and approach to life. After the factors underlying the negative self-perceptions are clarified, we begin implementing therapeutic interventions designed to elevate self-esteem, and enhance the child's sense of self-worth and self-value. Typical interventions include teaching the child to confront unwarranted self-criticism and self-disparaging remarks, to use and accept praise for accomplishments, and to develop effective problem solving skills. In addition, we counsel parents regarding how they can supportively respond to their child's successes and failures.
Children with low self-esteem frequently harbor unrealistic expectations of themselves, and set unobtainable goals. To address this situation, we teach children to establish goals that are more realistic and to implement a series of small steps that lead to their overall objective. By proceeding in this fashion, children can practice new problem solving skills and experience success on the way to accomplishing age appropriate goals. Coping and problem solving efforts are acknowledged, while failure is met with reassurance, encouragement and further development of the skills necessary to succeed. We encourage parents to assist and support their child by verbally praising strengths as well as by encouraging the child to persevere, particularly when initial efforts have not been successful.
Change may not come quickly. However, over time, the experience of succeeding at progressively more difficult tasks enhances the child's sense of competence and creates an intrinsic motivation to accept new challenges. The child begins to think more positively about the future, to show more confidence in his or her abilities and to express a more positive sense of self-worth and self-value.
Our behavior as individuals reflects how we view ourselves. Children who feel good about themselves are happier and more productive. Healthy self-esteem is reflected in children's willingness to accept compliments, showing pride in their appearance and accomplishments, behaving responsibly and assertively while setting and achieving appropriate and positive goals.
Reference: http://drswerdlow-freed.com/therapyarticle9.html
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